[ tips on being awesome ]
by kHo

After the whole stalker debacle they´re sitting in MacLaren´s and Ted and Marshall go up to the bar to talk to Carl and get more drinks.

“Okay,’ Lily says, leaning forward and lowering her voice conspiratorially. “Spill.’

Barney winks at her, looks around to be sure no one can possibly hear them, and leans in to meet her half way. “Spill what,’ he whispers theatrically.

She slaps her hands on the table. “How you do it. How do you get all these women to fall in love with you?’

He grins at her and leans back with a cocky gleam in his eyes. “I´m smooth, Aldrin. Are you starting to fall for me too? It was bound to happen.’

“Ew, no,’ she says, shaking her head and wrinkling her nose. “No, I´m serious. Are you really that good in bed?’

He raises an eyebrow. “Wanna find out?’

“Again, ew, and no,’ she says, glaring at him. “I´m serious, do you tricks?’

He laughs. “Lily, Lily, Lily… a man never reveals his secrets about his conquests.’

She laughs. “Please, you reveal your secrets on a nightly basis.’

He thinks. “Okay, yes. I do.’

“So?’

He laughs, shrugging. “I don´t know what to tell you. I´m awesome, Lil.’

She frowns at him. “Do you use gadgets and devices? Do you slip them Love Potion # 9? Do you give really good oral sex? What?’

He laughs again. “I take care of myself, and I make sure they´re taken care of.’ He grins. “And then I kick them out.’

“No, really, what,’ she hisses, watching Marshall and Ted at the bar to make sure they´re not on their way back. “Do you use a vibrator? Dildo? Spanish Fly? Cock ring?’

Suddenly he´s not Mr Suave Secret Sex Agent Man, he´s fidgety and unable to look her in the eye. “Lily, jeez.’

“Oh don´t act like you´re all abashed now, Stinson, I know you love talking about this, it´s probably turning you on right now, now come on, out with it!’

He cranes his neck to try and catch Ted´s eyes. He telepathically screams ‘save me´ but Ted just nods and turns back to Marshall. “Look.’

She lets out a frustrated grunt. “Okay, fine, Barney, here´s why I´m asking. I love Marshall. I do. Sex with Marshall is great, it´s sweet and comforting and really, really loving, seriously, he´s the most giving lover ever okay? But it´s stale. It´s… I´m not bored so much as…. As we´re getting in a rut and it´s the same thing over and over and over and over, I touch here, he touches there, pants off, insert penis, orgasm, sleep.’

He swallows half of his whiskey in one gulp. “Well.’

“And it´s great, it is,’ she says, and if he squints he swears he can almost see tears in her eyes. “It is. I just. What if he gets bored? What if me kissing his ear just one day stops working? It´s my move, Barney, it´s the one move I have.’

“Oh, untrue,’ Barney says, making a face at her. “You have the one move that never fails, at all, ever.’

She looks at him. “Huh?’

“The I have boobs move,’ he says, miming opening his shirt. “That´s all you need.’

She sighs, slinking back in the booth and looking away. “Fine.’

He studies her and sees real fear hidden behind the aggravation and lets out a long breath. “Okay,’ he says.

She waves her hand. “Whatever, nevermind. I just wanted a few tips.’

“Oh, you want tips,’ he says. “Well why didn´t you just say so?’

She rolls her eyes. “Barney.’

“Look,’ he says. “I think it´s sexy when a woman uses ice when she goes downtown. The combination of hot and cold is really mysterious and hot as hell if she knows what she´s doing. I like it when she scratches my back so hard it stings when I take a shower the next day and I can still feel it three days after. I like Doggy Style, the Armchair, the Inverted Armchair, the Asian Cowgirl, the Prison Guard--’

“Okay, okay, enough, I don´t have a pencil, Barney, and I´ve never heard of those,’ she says, waving a hand.

“I´ll send you a link,’ he says with a wink, and then he points a finger. “But you don´t need any of those, because the dirtier it is the more I like it, but Marshall? Marshall thinks it´s sexy that you cook him pancakes on Sundays.’

Her smile softens and she looks at Marshall again, who is gesticulating wildly at a hysterically laughing Ted. “My baby likes his food.’

“Lily, you´re one of the sexiest women I´ve ever met,’ he says, lowering his voice and hoping to God Marshall won´t hear him because that giant will break him in two. “Seriously, the cute little pixie nose, the wicked sense of humor, the mischievous twinkle in your eyes, and your breasts, while small, are worn incredibly well by your petite frame.’

She half covers her chest and half doesn´t, and he makes sure to look down at the swell of them for emphasis. When he looks up he catches the half-smile behind the obviously faked offended look.

“If I didn´t know that Marshall would end me if I ever attempted to get you in my bed, I´d´ve had you in my bed about four years ago.’

She laughs. “Please, you´ve tried before.’

He shakes his head. “No. I´ve flirted, yes, but I´ve never truly tried. I didn´t give it the full Barney Flair that I would have if it weren´t for Marshall. Trust me. I would have rocked your world. You have no idea. You´d blush if you knew half the things I´ve imagined doing with you.’

She sighs and looks at Marshall. “I´m just scared that he´s going to get an itch one day that I can´t scratch, because I´m the only girl he´s ever been with, and I can´t compete with all the women you get and help Ted get, and would get Marshall if he was ever to leave me.’

Barney rolls his eyes. “Please.’

“It could happen,’ she says, her eyes widening at him. “It could! It has, to many, many women!’

He waves a hand. “Never gonna happen. Marshall is the best guy I know, and he´s not going to dump the best woman he´s ever going to score to scratch some stupid itch.’

There´s that slightly flattered smile again and Barney congratulates himself. “He might.’

“Then I´ll make you a deal,’ Barney says, reaching out a hand to be shook. “If you two break up I will not only not score Marshall a chick, I will actively make sure he doesn´t score, just like I did when you lost your mind and moved to San Francisco.’

She smiles, looking embarrassed but relieved, and shakes his hand. “You really did, didn´t you? Marshall said he´d never been more mad at you.’

Barney nods. “And that was you that left him, and I still had your back.’

She reaches across the table and pats his hand. “You´re a better friend than we give you credit for.’

“I keep telling you,’ he says, flippant, but he´s actually touched and a little moved so he clears his throat and looks back at her with his eyebrows raised. “And I will personally show you my best moves in the bedroom since he´s out of the way.’

“You really think I´m the best woman he´s ever going to score?’

“Yes,’ he says with a decisive nod. “And B-the-W? You can absolutely compete against any woman in New York and win, hands down, against 80% of them. Well. 70%. 75%. At least, as long as they´re not a celebrity.’

She looks at him. “Thanks Barney. That´s actually really sweet, for you.’

He grins. “I can be human sometimes, Lily.’ He looks around. “Just… don´t let that get around. I have a reputation to uphold.’

Bonus, since I can´t seem to write For Real Lily/Barney…

5 Things Barney´s Fantasized About Lily Aldrin:
... in reverse order of frequency

5. It´s hot and frenzied, clothes being ripped off, her mouth all over him, his fingers tangled in her hair, and she´s a dirty dirty dirty girl under all that second-grade school teacher persona because she grabs his dick through his pants before he can get them off and whispers things in his ear that make his toes curl until finally he just has to lift her up by her ass and carry her off to his bedroom and fuck her until they´ve both come so hard neither one of them can move for an hour.

4. Aw, Lil, you seem upset. Tell Uncle Barney what mean ole Marshall did. He said what? But you´re gorgeous. The man is obviously blind. You don´t believe me? Would you like for me to tell you what I would do to you if you were mine? What´s that? You´d like me to show you? Okay, if you insist.

3. She asks him what the hell position the Prison Guard is and doesn´t understand it no matter how many napkins he uses trying to draw it so he takes her back to his place and she strips for him and bends over and he grabs her hips and holds her arms up behind her back and shows her hands on just exactly why the Prison Guard rocks.

2. Oops, sorry Lil, didn´t mean to walk in on you in the shower, my bad. Oh, you want me to join you? Why certainly I can help you wash up. Could you hand me the soap? Thanks. You want me to wash your front? Sure. My, what nice breasts you have, Lily. May I taste them? Mm. Would you mind if I fucked you up against the wall now? And don´t be afraid to make noise, Marshall isn´t here. I made sure of it.

1. Barney wakes up to a warm bed and an even warmer Lily next to him, her arms wrapped around his torso and her legs tangled with his. He needs to pee, he needs to shower, he needs to get to work, but all of those things mean getting up out of this bed and not feeling her arms around him. He stays in bed an hour longer than he should and pretends to just be waking up when Lily presses a kiss to his earlobe. “Morning, baby,’ she says, and he smiles and wakes up in real life with a warm feeling all over his body. Then he gets up, showers, goes to work, and feels like shit when he sees Marshall. He´ll deny this fantasy until his dying day.