Elizabeth. Rodney. Call me back. It´s about… no, no, no, don´t touch that, do you… are you trying to make all of the blood come pouring out of your ears, or is that just a cool side effect in IDIOT LAND?

*

It´s Rodney. Again. Did I mention it was important?

*

Hey. It´s me. I´m assuming you know my voice by now. Don´t worry about the thing before, I got it. Just wanted to touch base with you. Ask you how you´re doing? Settling in? And… you have a dog, yes? How´s your dog? I haven´t… that is. Oh, just call me back.

*

Elizabeth, it´s Rodney, and you´re not fooling me. Ignoring me will not make me go away. I´m onto you.

*

I always thought having minions was supposed to be fun, but apparently it´s just downright annoying. The endless stream of coffee almost makes up for it though. Almost.

*

I am going to shock you out of your isolation, I´ve decided. I know you women like to gossip. I just had sex in the back of my lab with a woman whose name I´ve already forgotten. Go ahead. Call me and berate me for being an inconsiderate, chauvinistic misogynist. Or, just… call me. That´d be fine too.

*

Hey. So. It´s occurring to me that now that you don´t have to deal with me perhaps you´re purposefully not. And if that´s the case, I´d appreciate a call back telling me so. I think you owe me that much at least.

*

Three years in a galaxy far far away… uh. Hypothetically. Were I to have been in a galaxy far far away, hypothetically, I would think that the thing I´d miss most was fast food. McDonalds. Big Macs. Apple pies… that are neither pies, nor actual apples I think. French fries, right out of the vat. It turns out though… or would, since this is only hypothetical… that fast food? Gets old very quick. I can´t tell you how much I´m wishing I could have some of Teyla´s stew. That smelled disgusting, but good god did it taste good.

*

Alright. Here´s the deal. It´s Rodney by the way. I´ve spoken to Sheppard, I´ve spoken to Carson, I´ve spoken to Radek. None of us have spoken to you, and all of us have attempted to. And honestly I´m starting to be a little concerned. Not *that* concerned, mind you, but… just. Call one of us back. Just. One of us okay?

*

I hear Sheppard´s got the team from hell. I call it cosmic justice, for how much of a saint I was. Stop laughing, Elizabeth, I can hear you over here.

*

Have you ever heard of Limewire? Apparently Napster is the only pirating company that has to actually conform to the rules of a civilized society. Also, it took me twenty minutes to download the new Tragically Hip album, which would have taken me at least thirty minutes to get to the store to buy it.

*

Elizabeth. I am fully capable of physically coming down there and literally forcing you to interact with the public. Don´t think I won´t.

*

Zelenka just spent forty five minutes of my precious time yelling at me in Czech. He then said thank you for listening, and hung up on me. I tell you, the world´s gone mad.

*

It´s two o´clock in the morning and I can not sleep because I´m terrified that you´re lying in a ditch, or your bathtub, with your wrists slit. Elizabeth. You can not deprive me of my sleep like this. You also can not ignore me to the point which I am worried enough to actually call you at two o´clock in the morning to tell you how worried I am. Please, Elizabeth. Call someone. And yes, I really did just say please.

*

There are cats having very loud sex outside of my window, and I would like to formally lodge a complaint on how patently unfair it is that felines are getting more action than me.

*

So. Since you won´t speak to anyone, I´ll just keep you abreast of the situation as I know it. Sheppard´s team is a bunch of idiots and he´s absolutely miserable and god, terrible at hiding it. Carson spends more time on the phone with his mother than is expressly healthy, and he´s cried no less than three times while on the phone with me about missing that same mother. Zelenka actually told me he wished I were with him to yell at his people for him because they don´t listen to him, and Zelenka never likes to admit that my methods are ever better than his. So here´s the point. We´re all miserable, Elizabeth. We all miss Atlantis. And we´re all, yes, depressed. I´ve probably drunk more in the past two weeks than I did in the two years prior to leaving for Atlantis. You´re not alone. We´re right here. It helps. I know it doesn´t seem like it would, but… it helps. And you don´t have to talk about it, you can just make up a story about how everything´s hunky dory over there for you, but. Just. God damnit, Elizabeth. Talk to us.

*

Apparently some people are stupid enough to think that if you drink a carbonated beverage and eat pop rocks at the same time, you´ll die. People are that stupid. I just spent twenty minutes telling… oh hell, I don´t remember who it was, but it took me twenty minutes to convince them they weren´t going to die. And the only thing that actually got through to them was me pointing out the fact that it had been twenty minutes and if they were going to die from it then surely it would´ve already happened.

*

Yeah. It´s Rodney. Carson´s going to come over there to check on you and if that doesn´t work I´m planning out right now a list of things to talk about while I sit on your doorstep as long as it takes to get you to come outside and shut me up. So if you don´t want to hear my diatribe on the intolerance of gays in the American military in my most obnoxious tone at two o´clock in the morning, you´ll talk to him. I´m flying out tomorrow, so should you not be at dinner, you can expect to hear my loud obnoxious voice say around… 9pm? Good for you? It´s a date. I might even bring Sheppard with me. We can bicker loudly and annoy your neighbors.

*

Elizabeth. It´s Rodney. You´ll likely never get this message, as we´ll either be dead or… hypothetically, in a galaxy far far away. I just wanted to say I had a wonderful time at dinner, it was good to see you still alive and kicking and… I just. Never do that again. Never scare me like that again. I care for you Elizabeth. There, I´ve said it. And trust me, the only reason I´m telling you this is because we´re about to embark on a mission that´s surely fated for a fiery death, and you´ll never hear this. Should I be wrong on that count, please ignore everything I´ve said, and have a nice day.