Ye Old Yellow Legal Pad Questionnaire #2354
by kHo

“Six weeks.”

“Please. Six days.”

“You’re not giving him enough credit,” Ted says, shaking his head. “See, he waited a year to ask her out, he can at least wait six weeks before he screws it up.”

Barney huffs for about the millionth time. “Uh hello? Sitting right here.”

“Okay,” Marshall says, pointing at Ted and nodding his head. “Okay, I’ll give you that point, but… But… I won’t give you six weeks. One month.”

“Do you have nothing to say about this,” Barney asks, trying once again to read over Robin’s shoulder. She’d been scribbling in a yellow legal pad for the past twenty minutes. “You are involved. And besides,” he says, pointing at both Marshall and Ted, glaring. “How do you know its gonna be me that screws it up? Scherbatsky was at fault when it was Ted.”

“That wasn’t a fault thing, that was a no-future-together thing,” Robin mumbled, chewing on her pen and blocking Barney’s attempt to read over her shoulder again. “Besides, I was willing to give it a shot, Ted’s the one that moved up the expiration date.”

“Okay,” Barney says, cringing. “Okay, new rule, no talking about your relationship with Ted and how you have unresolved feelings for him still.”

Robin smirks at him. “Jealous?”

Ted laughs, Marshall laughs, Lily grumbles, and Barney looks at Lily. “Thank you!”

Marshall frowns. “Wait, thank you for what?”

“That was her,” Barney says, waving a hand in Lily’s general direction, “sticking up for me.”

Marshall laughs. “Barney. Barney, Barney, Barney, no one knows Lily’s mumbling better than I do and that was not a sticking-up-for-you mumble, that was an I-have-to-pee-but-I-don’t-feel-like-getting-up mumble.”

Lily flashes a quick smile at him and then darts her eyes towards Barney, cringing.

“Lily?”

“Actually,” she says, her voice raising just slightly. “Baby, I’m sorry, but you’ve never mastered the understanding my mumbling thing.”

Marshall gasped.

Barney pointed at him and, very emphatically, said: “Ha!”

Lily wraps her arm around Marshall’s and pets him soothingly. “You understand me telepathically though. You get those almost every time!”

Marshal sulks. “Almost every time?”

“Yeah, she wanted the salt at dinner and you gave her the pepper,” Robin says, still scribbling and not even bothering to look up to see Marshall’s wounded expression.

“Aw, Robin,” Lily says, reaching over and grabbing her hand. “We’re getting better at that!”

“Yeah, yeah, getting back to me,” Barney says, leaning forward. “Lily, I believe you were defending me?”

Lily heaves a sigh. “I just think… I think you guys are being too hard on him,” she says, shrugging. She rolls her eyes and Marshall and Ted’s snorts of derision. “Barney pined for a year, guys. On one girl!”

“All the while having sex with hundreds of other women,” Ted says, smirking as Barney gives him a withering look.

“I can break out the pie-chart, Ted, but I believe we established that Barney’s strikeout ratio is far higher than he’d have us believe,” Marshall says.

“No charts,” Ted, Lily, Barney, and Robin all say simultaneously.

“I’m not saying that Barney won’t screw it up, I’m just saying… he waited a year, I have to give him at least six months before he screws it up.”

“Wow,” Barney says, sinking back in his seat and crossing his arms. “That’s you defending me?”

Lily wrinkles her nose at him. “Sorry, Barney.”

“Oh,” Robin says suddenly, setting her pen down and flipping the pages of the yellow legal pad. “Oh, Barney, I found the perfect quiz in your favorite magazine,” she says, fake-newscaster voice in full force. “Ye Old Yellow Legal Pad Magazine sure does make a great quiz!”

Barney laughs. “What?”

“Title,” Robin says, feigning shock as she ‘finds’ the page she had been scribbling on moments before. “Does Barney Have What It Takes To Date Robin Scherbatsky Without Screwing it Up in the First Six Weeks?” She looks at Marshall. “Seriously, six weeks is the most you can give him? That’s harsh.”

Barney grins. “Thank you!”

She looks at him and raises an eyebrow. “You deserve that lack of faith there, bucko, don’t go getting all cocky.”

Barney shrinks. “Fine.”

Lily grabs the pad. “Question 1: Barney is disgusting, true or false.” She giggles.

Barney rolls his eyes. “True.”

“Correct,” Robin says, offering him a high-five. He hesitates but gives it to her.

Marshall takes the pad. “Question 2: While in a relationship it is acceptable to woo skanky blondes in bars and take them home, true or false.”

Barney shakes his head. “Please. False.”

“Up top,” Robin says, and Barney laughs this time as he slaps her hand.

Ted reads over Marshall’s shoulder. “Question 3: It is acceptable to flirt with women with or without said girlfriend there to supervise, true or false.”

Barney rolls his eyes and raises his hand for the inevitable high-five. “False.”

Robin shakes her head. “Nope. The correct answer is true.”

Barney’s hand falls slowly. “Wait. I must have misunderstood the question.”

“You’re allowed to flirt but not touch,” Robin says, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Oh please,” Ted says, giving Robin an incredulous look. “You used to get so pissed at me when you even thought I was flirting with someone else.”

Robin snorted. “Well you’re you and he’s…” She looks at Barney. “Barney.”

“Hey,” Barney says. “I think that was insulting.”

“Asking Barney to not flirt is like asking a dog to not lick his own balls,” Robin says, reaching over to pluck a french fry out Ted’s plate. “It’s instinct, he can’t help himself.”

Barney’s mouth worked open. “Okay, that was definitely an insult, right?”

Marshal smirked. “Dude, she just compared you to a dog licking its own balls, yes it was an insult.”

Barney looked at Robin. “Hey!”

She shrugged. “It’s true though.”

Barney nodded. “Fair point.”

Lilly grabbed the pad out of Marshall’s hand. “Question 4: You will sex me…” Lily paused, and pointed at Robin. “Uh… her. You will sex Robin when, where, and how I… uh, she… how she wants unless prohibited from doing so for valid work or health reasons, true or false.”

Barney grins. “Nice, true, up top,” he says, and Robin gives him the high-five to end all high-fives.

Marshall grabs the pad back from Lily. “Question 5… oh,” he says, setting the pad down and shaking his head. “Okay, Lily’s right.”

“Ha,” Lily says, pumping a fist in the air. “And ha, ha, ha!” She points at Ted. “In your face, Mosby.”

Ted and Barney share a look. “What the hell,” Ted asks.

“What’s question 5,” Barney asks Robin.

Ted reads over Marshall’s shoulder and then smiles, shaking his head. “Okay, okay, so maybe Lily’s right.”

“What is question 5, damnit,” Barney hisses, leaning over the table to grab the pad. “Question 5: Emotions need not be discussed, ever, unless mutually agreed upon or said during sex, and in the case of the latter may be disregarded as hormonally influenced and thereby ruled inadmissible, true or false.” He looks at Robin. “Wow. You get me so well.”

“See that’s what I’m saying, that’s what you guys didn’t take into account,” Lily says, turning in her seat to point at both Marshall and Ted. “Robin’s not just some random chick Barney decided to make nice with, she knows him.”

Barney grinned. “Hey Robin?”

She grinned back. “Yeah?”

He tapped the pad of paper. “Got a quiz for you. Change all Barney’s to Robins and give me your answers.”

She raised her eyes to the ceiling and ticked the points off on her fingers. “True, I’m disgusting. False, it’s not okay to bring skanky women home with me.”

“Men,” Barney says. “You’re not getting away with semantics, Scherbatsky.”

She snapped her fingers. “Damn.”

“And three?”

“True, it is okay to flirt as long as I don’t touch.”

Barney shakes his head. “No, false.”

She smacks him. “No fair, it’s okay for you to flirt but not for me?”

Barney raises an eyebrow. “Question 6: It is acceptable for me to refer to you as a dog licking its own balls, true or false.”

Robin nods. “Fair point.”

Barney points at her. “Okay, fine… it’s okay for you to flirt when I’m not there as long as I don’t know about it or hear about it, but it’s not okay to do it when I’m there.”

She extends her hand. “Deal.” They shake on it.

“Question 4,” Marshall asks. “In reference to sexing when, where, and how.”

Robin nods. “True, with the addendum that I’m allowed to say no when I’m not in the mood.”

Barney squints his eyes at her. “How is that fair? What if I’m not in the mood?”

She rolls her eyes. “As if that’s ever happened to any guy ever.”

“Fair point,” says Ted, Marshall, and Barney in unison.

“Fine,” Barney says, sighing. “Acceptable.”

“Besides, she’s never not in the mood either,” Ted says, raising a fist for Barney to bump.

“Okay, that just made me physically ill,” Robin says as Barney bumps Ted’s fist.

“Hey, you got a problem with it widen your dating pool, Scherbatsky,” Barney says, closing the legal pad. “And I already know your answer to 5, so, quiz officially passed.”

When he raises his hand for Robin to high-five him once more she shakes her head at him and reaches up to lace her fingers with his, bringing his hand down and kissing him instead.

“Aw,” Lily says.

“Ugh,” Marshall says.

“Disturbing,” Ted says.

Robin smiles. “Nice.”

Barney smiles back. “Agreed.”

Lily laughs. “I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I think I’m going to have to say that this is gonna be legen--”

Barney laughs. “Wait for it.”

“Horrible,” Marshall says, shaking his head at Lily.

“Just awful,” Ted concurs.

Lily looks at Barney. “Is that enough of a pause?”

Barney holds up a finger, looks at his watch, and then nods.

Lily grins. “--dary!”