[ The Hitchiker´s Guide to the Grunt and his Scientist ]

co-authored with the wonderful wonderful foxxcub, SMOOCHES TO YOU BABY!!!!

Rule # 1:  For every scientist, there is a grunt who loves them.

"Sir, I just don't see why...I mean, there are other botanists..." Lorne looks a little too anxious, and Sheppard can't help but smirk.

"The planet's nearly eighty percent rainforest, Major. Who better to take down there than a rainforest expert?"

"But he...he's part of my team."

"Are you in dire need of a plant guy at the moment, Major?" Sheppard says it just to watch Lorne's jaw do that twitchy thing while his face turns pink.

"No...sir."

"Well, then, I assure you that Parrish will be in excellent hands. I'll have Rodney keep a close watch on him."

Lorne nods once, but Sheppard can hear him say fuck under his breath as he leaves the briefing room.

Rule # 23:  Don't ask, don't snoop, don't even wonder about it.  And if you find out anyway, don't even tell upon pain of death.

Elizabeth closes her eyes, draping an arm over her them.  “Stephen, that was…’

“Incredible, yes, I know.’

Elizabeth laughs, swatting at him with her hand.  “I should´ve expected the ego.’

He grins down at her, big and wide.  “Colonel Stephen Caldwell, at your service.’

She lies there  , trying to breathe normally after one of the best orgasms she´s ever had.  And, in point of fact, the first orgasm she´s had since coming to Atlantis three years ago.

"So Sheppard and McKay..."  

She frowns and uncovers her eyes, glaring up at him.  "Stephen," she says, menace in her voice.

He raises his hands, grin a little bit goofy.  "I'm just curious."  

Elizabeth shakes her head.  "No."  

Caldwell´s eyebrows furrow in confusion.  "No they're not, or no you're not answering."  

"No, we're not having this discussion,’ she says, raising up and leveling him with her ‘I Mean Business´    glare.  “Because I'm pretty sure if I give one word to Landry about what you look like naked and your credibility goes down just like Sheppard's would."

His grin widens.  "So that's a yes?"  

She rolls her eyes and can´t help laughing.  "That's a ‘shut up and kiss me again or I'll kick you out of my bed´."  

His skin is warm and slick with sweat as he slowly lowers himself on top of her.  "Yes ma'am."

Rule # 14:  The way to a grunt´s heart is not through his stomach, it´s through his scientist.

“Hey McKay.’

Rodney frowns and looks over to see Lorne lowering himself next to him at the table.  “Major.’

Lorne grins, picking up his fork.  “Fake sirloin, my favorite.’

Rodney´s frown deepens.  “Major… since when do you eat lunch with me?’

“Since I need you to do me a favor,’ Lorne answers.  “But don´t think of it as a favor to me.  Think of it as a favor to Atlantis.  My talents are wasted doing shit jobs just ‘cause the Colonel´s pissed at me.’

“Ah,’ Rodney says, smirking and digging into his own meal.  “So that´s what this is.’

“I didn´t mean to, McKay,’ Lorne says, sounding petulant like a five year old.  “You know I didn´t.  It totally wasn´t my fault.’

“You broke his new toy,’ Rodney says, snickering as Lorne turns an annoyed expression towards him.  “It was a perfectly good battleship, all for him.’

“The Wraith  broke it, not me!’

“You were the one driving it.’

“Saving your ass,’ Lorne says, pointing a fork at him, half-chewed steak making him mumble his words.  “If you and Ronon hadn´t been on that damn wraith ship--’

“So I should help you because I owe you,’ Rodney asks, cocking his head to the side.  “Huh.  Well let´s see… let me see if I can count up the number of favors you owe me based on how many times I saved your ass…’

“Rodney,’ Lorne says, his voice urgent and his expression solemn.  “Please.’

Rodney rolls his eyes.  “Oh fine.  But I want the good coffee for the next month.  Not that swill the Daedelus brings, the stuff from Parrish´s private stash.’

Lorne´s grin is brilliant.  “No problem, Doc.  You got it.’

“And,’ Rodney says, pointing at him.  “You not eating lunch with me.  Go away now.’

Lorne´s grin brightens.  “Even better.’

Rule # 6:  Never think that ‘brother in arms´ supersedes the relationship of a grunt and his scientist.

Parrish comes to in a hazy blur, surrounded the sounds of shouting. He blinks twice slowly and realizes he's sitting on the floor of the 'jumper, slumped against the wall. His head is pounding and his legs are killing him.

"You were supposed to get him out of there before you opened fire, Lieutenant. How goddamn hard is that to remember?" The first thing Parrish thinks is that Lorne is swearing, and that it sounds way hotter than it should at the moment. The second thing he thinks is that Lorne is upset, and somehow it involves Parrish.

"Sir, they were coming at us from all angles! Dr. Parrish split from me and I couldn't keep track--"

"So you just let him run off into a live minefield, which was right where the Edarians wanted us to run?" His voice gets lower when he's angry, all rough and edgy. Parrish has never noticed this before, and he wishes he wasn't on the verge of sinking back into unconsciousness so that he could
listen to it a bit longer.

"Major, you know how the scientists are. They pretty much do whatever they please and we clean up after them."

There is a brief pause, and then Parrish hears a loud thunk, which could very well be Lorne slamming Lt. Garrison against the opposite 'jumper wall.

"In case you forgot, Lieutenant, it's our job to clean up after them, not to clean up their body parts. You let a man nearly get blown apart today because you were too damn lazy watching your own ass."

"I'm--"

"No, you're through talking. I'm letting Colonel Sheppard handle this once we're back in Atlantis. Until then, sit down and shut up."

Silence once more, and Parrish is vaguely disappointed, but he's in too much pain to care. His head begins to feel too heavy to keep upright any longer, so he lets it roll to his shoulder with a sigh.

And then he feels a hand on his head, fingers scrubbing roughly through his hair.

"You're gonna be okay, Doc."

Lorne's voice gets softer and higher when he's worried.

Parrish slips back into the dark, wishing he could listen longer.

Rule # 45: The scientist may sometimes give the impression that he doesn't care about the grunt whatsoever. When this occurs, tread lightly. Very lightly.

"Colonel Sheppard should feel very honored," Teyla says carefully. "The Twilight Ritual is only extended to those whom The Lampeans feel they can trust."

"Doesn't hurt that their head priestess is hot," Ronon smirks.

"Yes, let's all celebrate Sheppard's slumber party invite on the planet of humidity and a pollen count of fifty gazillion." Rodney rubs his eyes and sighs. "There aren't enough eye drops in the galaxy to keep me down here."

He marches on ahead of them toward the 'jumper.

"I'm sure they would have extended the invitation to two," Teyla calls after him. Ronon, who is just behind her, snorts loudly. Teyla gives him a dirty look.

Rodney stops at the 'jumper's bay door and turns around. "What for? They specifically asked for our 'leader', and that, however much we are sometimes loathe to admit, is Colonel Sheppard. Besides, he gets all giddy when he's fawned over."

Teyla pats his arm. "Well, he is doing Atlantis a great service by participating in the ritual."

"He's doing himself a great service by getting the Pegasus version of a spa treatment." The bay door won't open on Rodney's first attempt, and he swears a small blue streak until it finally works.

Teyla purses her lips and says nothing for the rest of trip back to Atlantis. Ronon just smiles.

Rule # 19:  Stealing other grunts' scientists is not cool, especially if said grunt is your CO.

“Whatcha doin´ Kagan?’

Kagan looks up to see Barroso smirking at him.  “The Pegasus version of latrine duty, I guess,’ he says, reaching up to pull down the mask over his mouth.  “Wanna help?’

“Not even a little bit,’ Barroso says, laughing.  “So let me guess.  This isn´t an assignment from Major Leanord.’

Kagan rolls his eyes.  “The Colonel´s got it in for me, I´m telling you.  The fucking sewer system?  What the hell did I ever do to him?’

“You have a crush on McKay,’ Barroso says, squatting down to peer at him.  “I told you, you needed to find a better way of hiding it.’

“I like him,’ Kagan says, voice going high.  “He´s interesting!  I don´t have a crush on him, I just think he´s funny!’

“Yeah,’ Barroso snorts, eyes crinkling up in amusement.  “McKay.  Funny.  Interesting.  Nice ass too, huh?’

“Shut up.’  Kagan leans back against the wall behind him, looking up at Barroso.  “Besides, what does Sheppard care if I hang out with the scientists?  He´s the one that said they´re our friends and we´d do well to get them on our sides!’

Barroso rolls his eyes.  “He meant to not piss them off, not wine and dine them.’

“I brought him one lunch.  He was working all day, holed up all by himself, and--’  

“And you noticed because…’

Kagan flails a hand.  “Because I´m considerate like that.  I´ve brought you lunch too!’

“Dude, I´m just saying that you noticed McKay´s absence, and Sheppard noticed you noticing.’

“Fine,’ Kagan says, rolling his eyes and putting the mask back on, picking up the wrench.  “No more lunches for McKay.  God.’

“Do yourself a favor, man,’ Barroso says, standing back up and making a face at the putrid smell wafting up from the ditch.  “Pick another crush.’

Rule # 73: In very rare cases, the grunt knows best. Never let on to the scientist that you know this.

"I told you...not to...oh, god...not to touch it," Lorne gasps as Parrish practically shoves him onto the bed, kissing him greedily and breathlessly.

"It looked like a perfectly normal variation of Alstroemeria." Parrish's words are mumbled, lost in the process of tonguing the skin of Lorne's neck before sucking long and hard.

"Gotta watch out...for...fuck...the pollen. Keep telling you that. Fuck." Lorne jerks his hips when Parrish suddenly cups his crotch, digging the heel of hand in and somehow knowing just how to grind it into the perfect friction.

Parrish chuckles, all deep and wicked sounding, and yeah, Lorne may have been right. But he was still fucked.

"I think the pollen's quite lovely, don't you?" Parrish punctuates his words with a flick of his wrist, and then Lorne's fly is open and his dick is suddenly poking through his boxers and Parrish's hand is right there...

"God, yes, don't ever listen to me again," Lorne babbles in response, and Parrish just laughs as he slides down Lorne's body, licking his lips.

Rule # 32:  A grunt fucking with his own scientist does not give you carte blanche to do the same.

“You don´t like me very much do you?’

Sheppard turns his head to see Mitchell falling into step with him.  “Excuse me?’

Mitchell laughs, shrugging.  “I just call it like I see it.’

Sheppard continues walking.  “I don´t dislike you, Colonel.’

“Cam,’ Mitchell says, bumping shoulders with him.  “Come on man.  What gives?’

“Nothing gives,’ Sheppard says, throwing him a tight smile.  “I´m just on my way to work out.’

“Let´s work out together then.  I´ll spot you, you spot me, and then maybe we shoot some hoops,’ Mitchell babbles, walking faster to keep up with him.  “Trust me, you haven´t lived till you´ve seen Vala bouncing around that court.’

“Prefer to work alone,’ Sheppard answers curtly.

Mitchell stops in his tracks, smile falling off his face.   “Look, I know you´re not happy being stuck here with the Ancients back in Atlantis,’ Mitchell says, stepping up to him when Sheppard turns to look at him, hands spread before him.  “Everybody you´ve been working with for the past three years is spread out around the country and you´re here in a brand new place with brand new people.  It´s not easy.  I know you´re pissed.  I would be too.’

Sheppard rolls his eyes.  “Can we just skip this?’

“But we can be your friends too,’ Mitchell says, reaching out to grab his arm.  “Come on man, lighten up a little.’

Sheppard glares at him.  “You don´t threaten to kill someone´s friend and then expect them to work out with you.  It doesn´t work that way.’

Mitchell´s eyes widen.  “Sam was right?’

“Right about what?’

“The lemon thing,’ Mitchell says, eyebrows screwing together.  “When we were trying to tie up the supergate.’

Sheppard frowns, turning to look at him.  “It wasn´t a cool stunt to pull.’

Mitchell´s hands go wide.  “You told me to!  You gave me the lemon!’

“It was a joke when I did it,’ Sheppard says, frowning at him.  “McKay said you were pretty serious about it.’

“Oh my god,’ Mitchell says, rolling his eyes.  “Seriously?’

“Look, I´m just doing my thing here,’ Sheppard says, walking backwards down the hall towards the workout room.  “You go your way, I go mine.’

“I was joking, Sheppard,’ Mitchell calls to Sheppard´s back as he turns to walk the remaining ten feet.  “I wouldn´t have actually poisoned him, you have to know that right?’

Sheppard continues though the weight room door without looking back.

“It was a joke, Sheppard!  Come on!’  

Rule #3: The title of grunt is never strictly reserved for men.

"Say it again."

"Not another time--I just said it a moment ago--"

"But I missed it. Please? Just once more, I swear."

Beckett sighs as he rolls Cadman over onto her back, pinning her hands above her head and lacing their fingers together. He leans in slowly, runs the tip of his nose along her damp cheek until he stops just below her ear.

"You are the most beautiful lass I've ever seen," he whispers.  

Cadman grins as she arches her body lazily against his. "Christ, that never gets old."

Rule # 67: Simply because the grunts are friends does not guarantee the same will apply to their scientists.

"You have got to be kidding me." McKay gestures his hand vaguely, and for a moment, almost seems at a loss for words.

"This is perhaps the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life," Parrish says in a breathless rush as he lays his hands reverently on the tree's wide, smooth trunk. "I mean, the mere idea of harnessing the energy of a ZPM into plant life, a single tree that literally protects an entire planet..."

"A waste of physics. God, it's like a science fair project gone horribly wrong."

Parrish ignores him and continues running his fingers over the bark. "Maybe The Ancients had the right idea here--good grief, this could change the face of botany forever--"

"They don't give Nobel Prizes for discovering trees that fire lasers."

"Oh, fine." Parrish finally turns around and glares at McKay, who only finds it the tiniest bit intimidating due to Parrish's height. "At least I won't be destroying an entire solar system with my grand find."

McKay lifts his chin a fraction. "Your tree couldn't possibly have that kind of energy," he replies, but without the bite he intended.  

Rule #101: What's shared between the grunts, stays between the grunts.

John freezes to the spot, hand still poised to knock, as the door slides open and David Parrish walks out.

“Colonel Sheppard,’ Parrish says, swallowing convulsively, his face draining of all color.

John blinks.  “Parrish.’

Lorne´s head pops up behind Parrish, his eyes wide.  “Colonel?’

John nods, shaking his head.  “Major?’

“Yes, I have to… that is… well.’  Parrish nods rapidly, sliding between John and the door to the wider hallway.  “That is to say, goodnight.’  Then he was gone, like a bat out of hell.

Lorne leans against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest and looking resigned.  His hair is an absolute mess and his boxers are on backwards.  “Did you want to come in, Colonel?’

“Nah,’ John says, blinking down the hall and wondering just how it was that the botanist had fled fifty feet in a mere few seconds.  “We´re cool.’

John turns back to see Lorne arching an eyebrow.  “Are we?’

John stuffs his hands in his pockets, bouncing on the balls of his feet.  “Yeah, you know.  We´re fine.’

Lorne points down the hall.  “Because you just…  I mean… now you know that…’

“I know nothing,’ John says, shaking his head and giving Lorne a look.  “It´s called don´t ask, don´t tell.’  He shrugs, looking away.  “Besides.  I kind of live in a… what´s the…’  He furrows his brow and cocks his head to the side.  “Glass house?’

Lorne´s shoulders relax just slightly.  “Right.  So what you´re saying is that you won´t be throwing any stones.’

“See,’ he says, grinning and reaching in his pockets, turning them inside out.  “Not a stone in sight.’

Lorne grins then, relaxing all the way.  “Okay.’

“Good,’ John says, tucking his pockets back in and frowning as they give him trouble.  “So yeah.  We´re fine.’

“So what can I do for you?’

John looks at him sharply.  “Excuse me?’

Lorne rolls his eyes, and that´s when John knows that they really are fine.  “Why´d you come to my neck of the barracks this late at night, Colonel?  I´m assuming there was a reason?’

“Oh,’ John says, nodding.  “Yes.  Poker.  I want to arrange a poker tournament.’

Lorne frowns.  “At one in the morning?’

“No, no,’ John says, waving a hand around.  “Later.  Some other time.  But I wanted to discuss it with you.  You´re better at the… planning thing.’

Lorne nods.  “At one in the morning.’

“Oh like you were asleep,’ John says, grimacing as he realizes that Lorne probably won´t take that the way he meant it.  “I mean… I don´t sleep all that much, and I know you don´t either, and I was thinking about the poker tournament, so I thought I´d kill two birds with one stone."

Lorne raises an eyebrow comically high, cocking his head to the side.  “I´m sorry, sir, but I believe we just established that there are no stones here.’

John smacks him on the shoulder, rolling his eyes as Lorne starts laughing.

Rule # 5:  Fucking with the friend of a scientist is a good way to get the scientist's grunt pissed at you

John stretches his body on top of Rodney´s, smiling down at him.  “Wake up, McKay.  I want to fuck you now.’

Rodney blinks up at him blearily.  “Huh?’

“I haven´t seen you in over thirteen hours,’ John says, leaning down and licking a stripe up Rodney´s neck.  “That´s just not right.’

“I was busy,’ Rodney says, his hands coming up to rest on John´s hips.  He´s limp underneath John and that just makes John even more determined.  “Miko spent half of the day crying and the other half bitching.’

John frowned, leaning back.  “Miko was crying?’

“Yes,’ Rodney says, sitting up and frowning at John.  “Because of that bastard child of Satan, Adams.’

John sighed, sitting back on his heels.  “What the hell did that fuckwit do today?’

Rodney flaps his hand, shifting a leg to brush up against John´s inner thigh.  “Who knows, who cares.  All I know is that he was spouting off his mouth again at lunch and Miko burst into tears.  I´d like to strangle him.’

John traced a line down Rodney´s chest, chewing idly on his lip.  “What do you think?  Potato peeling?  Cleaning out the lockers?  Laundry duty for a month?’

“How about a good ol´  fashioned fragging,’ Rodney snarled.  “He´s got no business making Miko cry.’

“Aw,’ John says, smiling down at him.  “You´ve got a soft spot for Miko.’

Rodney rolls his eyes.  “She likes me.  I mean, honest to god likes me.  For no good reason.’

John thinks, letting his hands run idly over Rodney´s hips.  “How about we fuck with his environmentals?  He´s prone to heat exhaustion.  I´ve already sent him to the infirmary three times for it.’

Rodney raises an eyebrow, smirking up at him.  “Already done.  It´s a good start, but not enough.’

John lowers himself on top of Rodney again, kissing the side of his neck.  “Laundry duty for a month, peeling potatoes at the end of every week, and I pit him against Ronon for PT every day for a week.’

Rodney responds by biting John´s shoulder, his fingers tightening on his hips.  “I love the way you think.’