Another huge, bad, epic breakup (that was six months in the making, Barney so called that before the first official date) earns Ted an entire bottle of Jack Daniels and wingman Barney’s celibacy for the night because Bros before Ho’s means he can keep his dick in his pants long enough to get Ted shitfaced enough to forget the name of Whatever Who Cares Anyway Cuz She’s History, Stupid Bitch, God I Miss Her, Why, Carrie, Why, RIGHT! Who Cares!

Or anyway, that’s what Ted says during the one o’clock checkup call from Lily.

“Dude,” he says, leaning in way, way, way close, close enough for Barney to smell the whiskey on Ted’s breath and maybe count his eyelashes. “Dude.”

“Hm,” Barney says, opening his eyes wider and looking blearily at Ted, because he’s not nearly as drunk as Ted but he hasn’t eaten anything since noon.

“Why,” Ted says, weaving in his drunkenness and nearly falling on Barney, reaching out to catch himself against Barney’s leg, because for some reason they’re still sitting on the same side of the booth even though Lily and Marshall and Robin left like, three hours ago. “Why do girls suck?”

“Because God loves us and we love head,” Barney says, reaching down and petting Ted’s hand. “And I’m much obliged that my dick caught your fall but dude, handsy.”

“No, Barney, no,” Ted slurs, and he moves his hand but it’s in the wrong direction and he apparently doesn’t know what it means when Barney’s face pinches and he sucks in a sharp breath. “No.”

“No what,” Barney asks, but he doesn’t say anything about the hand because hey, it feels nice, and also, Ted’s drunk and he’ll probably just move it in an even more uncomfortably good place, and also, it feels nice.

“Hm?”

“You said no, Barney, no, no. No what?”

“Oh,” Ted shouts, and it’s right in Barney’s ear and it’s bouncing around his head like an echo in the mountains and Barney has a mental picture of an avalanche and he’s drunk enough to put his hand up to stop the nonexistent snow from falling on them. Must protect Ted, he thinks. “Right, yes, not suck like dick, suck like… suck man.”

“Because they’re women and they don’t have penises and penises are awesome, and therefore, ergo, no penises equals not awesome.” Ted frowns at him. “What?”

“Why do you use big words when you’re drunk. I don’t like big words when I’m drunk. They taste funny.”

Barney scrubs at his face and wonders if Ted’s ever going to move his hand. He also wonders if he wants him to, and whether the direction he wants Ted to move his hand is away or closer. He also wonders when the hell he became a beer queer (or whiskey queer, but that doesn’t rhyme, and rhyming is awesome). “You’re weird.”

“Yeah, I know,” Ted says, and he does move then, but it’s to lean harder into Barney and Barney should really, really just take Ted’s hand and move it because he’s starting to get hard and he doesn’t think Ted has the wherewithal to know just exactly what’s going on here. “Women suck. They need penises.”

“But then where would my dick go,” Barney says, looking at him. “I like women not having penises, Ted. I like it a lot. I don’t mind that they suck.”

Ted sighs, long and heavy, and leans against Barney’s side. “Me too,” he says, and Barney’s not sure if he’s me too-ing the not minding that they suck or me too-ing the liking that they don’t have penises but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that Ted’s just downed the last shot of their bottle of whiskey and this is when vomit time happens so he should get Ted home.

“Okay, upsie-daisy,” he says, sliding out of the booth and holding onto Ted’s hand, yanking him out with him. Ted falls against him and Barney’s having caught him turns into a hug and a heavy sigh so he just wraps his arms around Ted and hugs him back. “It’s okay, man, it’s gonna be fine.”

“You’re a good friend, Barney,” Ted says, leaning heavily against him as they walk outside. Barney himself needs someone to lean into so this is not the best math equation ever but they manage to make it up the steps without tripping and breaking any necks so he calls it a win and gives himself a mental high-five. “I love you.”

“Love you too, buddy,” he says, grabbing Ted’s belt loop as he turns to go the entirely wrong direction down the street.

“No, I mean it, Barney,” Ted says, stopping in front of him, his Earnest Face in full force. “I do. I. Love. You.”

“Yeah,” Barney says, raising an eyebrow at him. “Just said it back to you.”

“I love you.”

“I believe you.”

“No, I do, Barney.”

“Yes, I know.”

“No, really, I,” Ted says, walking backwards, and that’s when he falls half on and half off the first step of the stoop to his apartment complex and Barney’s has a mini-heart attack worried that Ted’s cracked his head open and is bleeding to death. “Ow.”

“Jesus,” he says, kneeling next to him and grabbing hold of his head. “Did you hit your head?”

“No,” Ted says, grinning at him.

Barney feels around the back of Ted’s head and doesn’t come away with red fingers so he sits down next to him and laughs when Ted falls against him.

“Huh.”

“What,” Barney asks, waiting for his heart to stop racing. Normally Ted falling is funny, and it still is, but Barney’s feeling very protective tonight in his drunken haze and he feels like he failed him by letting him fall. Bad Barney.

“Thought you were gonna kiss me.”

Barney frowns and looks at him. “What?”

Ted grins, his eyes glazed. “You were all holding my face and looking intently into my eyes. I thought you were gonna kiss me.”

Barney gives him a Dumbass look. “I was checking to see if you’d split your head open, not making a move.”

Ted nods, and it turns into a sort of head-banging thing that makes Barney feel like he’s going to wake up with a headache from that so he reaches out and stops Ted’s head from bouncing.

“Shame,” Ted says, licking his lips and looking into Barney’s eyes with this look that Barney’s seen before but never directed at him and it makes him freeze to the spot. “Might’ve been kinda nice.”

Barney lets out a startled laugh. “Ted Mosby, are you saying you’re disappointed I didn’t kiss you?”

Ted shrugs. “You’re nice. I like you.”

Barney drops his hand from Ted’s chin because somehow now it seems rather gay to be holding the dude’s head up. “Thought you loved me.”

“No, I mean yeah, I do, but no,” Ted says, blinking and shaking his head. “I mean, I’ve had thoughts.”

Barney cocks his head to the side. “About kissing me?”

Ted holds his fingers up really close together. “A little.”

Barney takes a deep breath and suddenly feels very, very not drunk. “We should part ways here.”

Ted catches his hand. “You’ve never thought about it? It makes so much sense.”

“In Drunk Ted Land it makes sense,” Barney says, raising his eyebrows at him. “In Future Ted Land, it makes things awkward and weird, and because of that, I’m leaving.”

Ted grins. “You didn’t say you’ve never thought about it.”

Barney clears his throat and looks away and very much does not think about how hard he still is from Ted’s hand on his dick earlier. “Ted, seriously.”

“Look, but no, it’s awesome, because…” Ted stands up to be on the same level as Barney, and Barney has to reach out and grab the first thing his hand comes into contact with, which is Ted’s hip unfortunately, to steady him. For some reason that he refuses to analyze, he doesn’t let go. “Because girls suck because they don’t have penises and you’re a guy, ergo… awesome! Because you don’t suck.”

Barney nods. “Yes. But I don’t suck. Because I’m a guy.”

“I’m not talking about sucking,” Ted says, grinning and reaching up to grab Barney’s tie, dragging him up the stairs with him. Barney tells himself he’s only following because he doesn’t want Ted to fall again but when he’s sober he’ll admit to himself that it wasn’t that at all. “I’m talking about kissing.”

It feels hard for Barney to breathe, and it’s not the fact that his tie has tightened around his neck. “Ted.”

Ted opens the door and they crash loudly into the stairwell because of course Ted falls again and Barney lands on top of him and he’s so hard that the fall doesn’t suck so much as it feels really, really good when his erection bumps into Ted’s.

“I knew it,” Ted says, and he reaches down and squeezes Barney’s ass, and hell, Ted already knows about Barney’s hard-on so why the hell not, so Barney kisses him, laying on top of him on the dirty, nasty ass floor.

Ted’s fingers dig hard into his ass and Barney absolutely refuses to call what he’s doing right now dry-humping (which of course it is), but it feels good and Ted moans into his mouth and wow, his head is really spinning very much a lot.

“Touch me,” Ted says, and Barney’s hand doesn’t need his brain’s permission to reach up and slide his fingers down the length of the bulge in Ted’s khakis, doesn’t even need his brain’s permission to unzip Ted’s pants and dig around his boxers until his fingers are wrapped around him and pumping to the same rhythm his hips are and he’s already so close it’s kind of unbelievable because Barney has stamina normally but tonight he most decidedly does not.

Ted’s making some obscenely hot sounds right in Barney’s ear peppered with curses and deities and Barney’s name and gasps and groans and grunts and Barney thinks that Ted Mosby the porn star should take a lesson because next to the real thing Porn Star Ted is chopped fucking liver.

Ted says “I’m gonna” and then Barney does and by the time his head’s stopped spinning and he’s able to breathe again and think even halfway coherently his hand is wet with Ted’s aftermath and they’re two guys panting in a stairwell with their shirts disheveled and Ted’s pants half off and Barney’s pants disgusting and gross.

Barney rolls off of Ted. “Fuck.”

Ted sighs, his eyes closed. “Mmm.”

“That never happened,” Barney says, not looking at him.

“Whatever you say.”

“I’m serious Ted. No awkward silences, no what have I done, no we can’t be friends anymore. That never, never, never happened.”

Ted looks at him and then rolls his eye. “God, aren’t you supposed to wait and have the freakout after a good night’s sleep and you’re sober again?”

Barney looks at him and his heart skitter-skips into his throat. “Ted, you’re my best friend. This can’t change us.”

Ted grins and plants one final sloppy kiss right on Barney’s mouth. “It won’t,” he says, and then he stands, grabbing hold of the railing. “You wanna stay on my couch?”

Barney looks at his watch and then down at his pants and then contemplates the twenty-two minute ride home and whether or not he can stay awake that long. “Yeah, but you have to give me some sweatpants, these pants are ruined.”

“Ha,” Ted says as they start up the stairs. “I made you come in your pants.”

When they get to Ted’s door Ted turns around and pokes a finger in Barney’s chest. “This did happen.”

Barney looks at him. “Ted.”

“It happened. Sorry to break it to you, but it did,” he says, grinning widely. “And dude, guess what?”

Barney finds himself returning Ted’s grin. “What?”

“I totally just had my first post-break-up sex with this hot blonde from the bar!” He extends a fist and Barney just has to bump it. “Right on.”

Barney raises an eyebrow at him. “Did you just call me a hot blonde?”

Ted frowns. “I don’t think I’m drunk anymore.”

Barney nods. “Post-coital endorphins. You’re still drunk, you just forgot for a second.”

“Nah, I’m totally good,” Ted says, and then he promptly falls face first over Robin’s boots. “Crap.”

“Told ya,” Barney says, stepping over him and walking into Ted’s room to grab sweatpants.

The next night at the bar Ted tells everyone that he banged a totally hot blonde from the bar. Barney responds with how funny, because he banged a totally hot brunette in that very same bar.

They grin at each other and laugh, and nothing changes.

(Until the next time it happens, but… oops. Spoiler alert.)