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[ cowardly asshole ] I was horny already, why oh why did he have to say my name. I was fine with being slightly aroused at his guttural moans penetrating through the walls... but then he said my name. Then he said my name, and here I was, unable to stop my hand as it closed around my cock... It started about a half hour ago, right at the 2 o´clock mark. I heard him enter the apartment with someone… a woman… about a half hour before that. I could hear their low voices talking in the den. Laughter, his and hers, echoed right into my soul. I´d been reading in bed, but for some reason I couldn´t concentrate, knowing he was in the den with some girl, laughing, joking around. There was silence about ten minutes before 2 and I thought perhaps she´d left. Perhaps she´d just been a friend. Perhaps he´s brought her here to show her something, and he wasn´t on a date. Banky hadn´t had a date in months, I´d begun to think he´d gone celibate… But then, at 2:01am to be precise, they´d entered his room, and I could tell by the way the door swung open with a ‘thwack´ and by his laughter followed by a hushed ‘shhh´ that he wasn´t alone. He was drunk; he´d always been a sloppy drunk. I heard him shut the door and start to say something only to be quickly silenced. I could picture it almost, if I closed my eyes and tried. Him standing there, in front of his door, laughing, embarrassed at having been so loud, stuttering out an apology. And then her, probably a blond, he´d always had a thing for blonds, advancing on him, not letting him finish. Silencing him with her tongue, running her hands down his body… His bed was right next to the wall. I don´t know why he´d done that, set his bed right next to the paper-thin wall separating our rooms. Then again, so was mine. We slept next to each other on a nightly basis, three inches of poorly constructed plywood and insulation separating us. I heard his bed protest as they fell on it, and soon I knew exactly where his head was. I could hear them giggling, wet sloppy kisses between giggles. I knew when she touched his cock, could have told you the instant. He let out a sigh, a stilted little bit of a groan. I knew that sound. That was the sound I made when I finally laid my hands on just what I wanted… And the giggles were gone. Things have gotten serious now, it´s go time. I found myself growing slightly hard at their sounds, picturing just what was going on twelve inches to my right. It´s by far not the first time I´ve heard him having sex, and it´s not the first time I´ve been aroused by it. It´s like watching porn, no matter how attractive or unattractive the porn stars are, just the sounds of sex are arousing. Especially to a man as hormonal as I am. I can hear his breath catch and I think to myself we really need to invest in something at least *slightly* sound proof… Now I can hear her, and I guess he´s started on her by now. She´s making those sweet ‘ah, yes´ sounds. Telling him to go faster, to go deeper. They´re not fucking yet. I can tell because his bed knocks slightly on the wall when he´s fucking. It´s a good two inches from the wall, but when Banky goes to town, he *really* goes to town. Those long fingers of his must be working inside her pussy by now, and he must not be half bad cause she sounds completely enthralled with whatever magic he´s working on her. I´m at half-mast by now, slightly uncomfortable but not to the point where I´m going to need a release. Besides, wouldn´t that be weird? Wacking off to your best fucking friend getting his groove thing on with some chick he´s met at a bar… Now he´s talking low, I can barely hear him, but I can make out much of what he´s saying. “Yeah, like that… feels good… no no, not there… yeah… fuck… mm hmm, fuck yeah…” That Banky, never able to go two seconds without a fuck here and there. I´m not able to figure out just what she´s doing. Is she jerking him off or is she sucking him off? I don´t know, but he´s certainly liking it. “God… wait, wait… stop, stop… oh fuck… fuck fuck fuck, stop… not yet…. Yeah… come here…” Now he´s fucking her. She´s moaning, and damnit does she sound sexy. Just the right amount of moan. Not enough so that it´s obnoxious, fake sounding, but enough so that she doesn´t sound like a mouse. He´s just slipped inside her and he´s taking it easy. Hovering above her. “You´re so fucking hot… gonna fuck you so hard…. Ready?” Oh don´t talk like that, Banky. Why do you have to talk like that? Why can´t you be sweet sometimes? Eh, but who am I to judge, she seems to be going for it. Her breath is catching and she´s enjoying the ride… And then it happens, and just like that I´m undone. They´re moaning, the bed´s just slightly knocking on the wall, my cock´s throbbing and I´m counting the seconds till they´re done so I can get my sweet release. I like to wait it out. 1. Because it would be weird to jerk off to the sound of Banky getting´ his bag on. 2. Because I like the anticipation. So he´s going to town, and my hands resting lightly on my cock, slowly, slowly stroking it. Just enough, so that it doesn´t wilt down. That´s when it happens. “Oh fuck yeah… fuck… oh, Holden…” Holden? Holden! Holy fuck me, that´s my fucking name. Did he just call out my name during sex? No, it couldn´t have been. Her name must be similar to mine… Molden or something. Oh, Christ, what the fuck name sounds like Holden? Oh, well who am I to jump to that conclusion. Maybe her name is Holden as well, though I can´t imagine any parent being quite so cruel… “You just called me Holden," she giggled out, and god damnit shut up, lady. Don´t press it. Please God, don´t force the subject… The bed´s stopped knocking, he´s hovering over her, and I can just picture his face. Horrified and embarrassed. “No I didn´t.” “Yes you did… you said Holden. Is that your roommate?” “I didn´t fucking say Holden…” “Banky, yes you did.” I can hear her giggle again, but Banky´s still not moving an inch. He just frozen to the spot, much like I am right now… “I´m not a fucking faggot…” “You said Holden,” she said, laughing again. And then, quieter… “I´m sorry Carrissa…” “My name´s Tina, Banky…” “Fuck…” “It´s okay, I don´t care… call me Tina, call me Carrissa, call me Holden…. I don´t care, whatever gets you there… just fuck me Banky… fuck me.” “I´m sorry,” he said again, and I hear a tremble in his voice. He´s either holding back tears or scared. I fight the urge to go in his room right now and hold him. It´s okay, I want to say to him. I know you love me, I want to say. It´s okay, don´t be upset, don´t be scared. I love you too, but not that way. Not that way… But God am I fucking hard by now. I hear him start to go again and suddenly it´s a whole new ball game. My cock´s throbbing and there´s no way I can hold out till he´s done now. It´s throbbing beneath my hands and whether I touch it or not I´m going to come. Somehow him saying my name in the throws of passion has caused my dick to forget it likes women. I can picture him, pounding away inside her, except somehow I´ve become her, and somehow my dick´s managed to forget that I shouldn´t enjoy that… “Call me Holden, Banky… if it gets you off, call me Holden… Come on baby, call me Holden…” I´m too far-gone now. I´m hearing him moan, I´m hearing her moan, but I´m not caring about her. In fact, I want her to shut the fuck up now. I want to just hear him now. Do what she said, Bank… Say my name again, Banky… please God, say my name again… ”Hold.. fuck… fuck… Holden…” Oh Jesus Christ, oh Jesus… Jesus don´t do this, Banky. Shut up… shut up, Banky… Oh God, just say it again. My hand closes around my cock and my eyes fall shut as I begin to stroke myself. I can hear him, and he sounds like he´s right next to me. If I let myself lose myself enough I can feel his breath in my ear, on my skin. My hand´s got a mind of it´s own and I´m pumping hard and fast. I´m panting, and I can´t think. I just see him, above her, above me, his face contorted in exquisite pain, begging for release… “God… fuck, Holden… fuck… yeah… oh, I´m gonna come…” My hand halts as he says my name again, he´s close. He´s so close, and praise God, so am I. I think she´s in the process of coming right now, but right now I don´t give a flying fuck. I began to stroke myself again, aching to touch him. Aching to see him beyond my mind´s eye, to see him actually above me, to be able to reach out and touch him. I stroke faster… I stroke faster… “Hold… oh fuck, Holden, yeah…” Yes… yes, Banky, say my name again. Forget her, Banky, come in here… come be with me. Come into my bed, be with me. Touch me, kiss me, hold me. Stroke me, suck me, fuck me. I don´t care, just forget her and be with me… oh God, where are these thoughts coming from?! I stroke faster and I´m teetering on the edge. I can´t hold it back any longer… “I´m… ohhh, god, I ‘m coming… Holden, fuck….” “Banky,” I whisper, stroking faster. I can hear deep guttural moans coming from him and I´m undone. I´m coming and it´s more fucking exquisite then it´s ever been. I´m coming and it´s better than I´ve ever had. I can see him above me, smiling that gorgeous fucking smile I´ve always adored at me. I´m coming and I can´t stop whispering his name… Banky, God, what have you done to me? “Was I loud,” Banky asked softly. Yes, Banky you were loud… and I wish you´d been louder… “What?” “Was I fucking loud? Do you think he heard me?” “I don´t know, Banky… you were kind of loud…” “Fuck…” “But not that loud…” “Fuck…” Please don´t be scared Banky. Please don´t cry. It´s okay. It´s fucked up, and I don´t know what the fuck´s going on, but it´s okay. Cause it´s you, Banky. It´s you and me. And we´ll work it out, we´ll figure it out… “Fuck, fuck, fuck…” “I don´t think he heard, Banky, it´s late... he´s probably asleep…. Where are you going?” It´s okay, cause we´re us, and we´ll be fine, Banky… “I have to see if he heard me, Tina… he can´t have heard me... I have to see…” The doorknob is ever so slowly, ever so quietly turning. I´m practicing in my head what I´m going to say. “I love you, Banky… I want you, Banky… Be with me, Banky…” “Holden?” My eyes are closed and I can´t open them. My bed sheet is covering the mess I´ve made of myself and my bed and I can´t open my eyes. My mouth is shut and I think I might even be making snoring sounds. I can´t open my eyes, I can´t speak, and where is he, what´s he doing now… “Holden…” Fuck, he´s close now. Open your fucking eyes, Holden McNeil. Open them, tell him! He´s bending over me, breathing on my forehead… open your fucking eyes! “Thank Christ…” Do you have to sound so fucking relieved, Banky? I feel him sitting on my bed, and I still can´t move, can´t speak, can´t look at him… “Holden, are you awake?” Go away, Banky. I´m a fucking heartless shit. I´m a fucking pussy boy who can´t admit I´m now having feelings I´ve never had before. For a man. For you, no less. Go away, Banky, I don´t deserve you… “I fucking love you, Holden… I don´t know when it started, or where it came from, but I fucking love you. I don´t want to, but I can´t stop it.” He´s whispering and I want him to say it louder. I want him to shake me awake, cause maybe I could open my eyes if he touched me. But as it is, I can´t move, speak, or open my eyes, and he´s sitting on the edge of my bed, one arm on my right side, one on my left, and telling me he loves me… Christ… “I can´t fucking stop, Holden, I´m sorry…” Please don´t cry, Banky… please, just don´t… “I´m sorry. I want to, but I can´t. I´ve tried. I try to fuck women, pretty women, women I´ve always been attracted to... the blonds, with the big fuckin´ tits and the candy red lips, but…. all I see is you… you, with your fuckin´ Van Dyke beard and your weird fucking dance moves… and I can´t fucking get it out of my head. I´ve tried to talk myself out of it, I´ve tried to forget it, I´ve tried to work through it. I´ve tried to drink it away, but nothing works Holden. You´re always fucking there, and I want you gone. When I have sex, when I´m horny, when I´m masturbating in the bathroom at night… you´re always fucking there, and I can´t fucking get rid of you…” Please stop crying, Banky… open your fucking eyes, Holden! Fucking tell him!!! TELL HIM… “I wish I had the fucking balls to tell you this while you´re awake... but I can´t do that either. Cause I can´t fucking lose you… as much as it hurts to not have you, I can´t fucking lose you, not like this. Not cause I´m a fucking freak…” You´re not a freak, Banky… you´re not… “I love you, Holden McNeil. I fucking love you. And I can´t tell you while you´re awake, so I´ll have to settle for this. I´ll have to settle for a drunken confession while you´re still fucking asleep and you´ll never hear me…” ~~~ But I can hear you, Banky. I can feel his hand in my hair and his face inches from mine and I still can´t open my eyes. I still can´t speak. I´m frozen to the fucking spot, and somehow I´m snoring lightly, just barely audibly. Figures, I try to act and I come across like a schmuck… I want to tell him something important, and my body´s winning me a fucking Academy Award… “I love you,” he whispers, bending down and kissing me on my forehead. He kisses me on my cheek and I feel his tears on my face. “I love you,” he says even more quiet this time, and then his lips are on mine. I think I´m responding. I think my mouth is moving against his and his tongue is in my mouth. God my head is reeling. His tongue is in my mouth and this is just about the most amazing kiss I´ve ever felt. His left hand is on my chest, his right clasping my left through the sheet, and he´s moaning, deepening the kiss. A tear hits my cheek, and then another. I ache to reach up and grab his face. His tongue is inside my mouth and he´s groaning and crying softly, and my heart is tearing apart. I want to pull him down beside me and make love to him. But I still can´t operate my own fucking body. He´s pulling way. No, Banky, don´t pull away. Don´t leave me, don´t pull away… ~~~ “Holden,” he chokes out, and I know he´s flat out sobbing now. His voice is trembling and I can still feel the wet tracks down my cheeks from his tears. “Holden, are you awake?” OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES…. “Alyssa…” Oh, God no… no, I didn´t say that. No, I did not say that name… I didn´t… oh, God, take it back… take it right out of the air, out of his memory, and out of mine while you´re at it…. God… I didn´t say that… But he´s flat out sobbing now. He´s still sitting on my bed still and it´s shaking as his body´s wracked by sobs. I want to sit up, hold him, hug him to me, but the best I can do is open my eyes to slits and look at him, holding his head in his hands. I feel my own tears course down my cheek as I see him stand up and have to hold onto my dresser to hold himself up. A blond walks into the door, naked, and I close my eyes quickly. “Banky,” she says softly. “Get out,” he chokes out. “Come here,” she says, her voice sweetly soft. Go to her Banky, I don´t deserve you. She´ll be better to you than I will… ~~~ “God,” I hear him sob, and he´s further away. I open my eye and see him in her arms, her stroking his hair. “Oh, baby, I´m sorry… what happened?” “I… he´s asleep, and I told him everything… I confessed it all, cause I´m a fucking coward and can´t fucking do it while he´s awake… and then I kissed him… and I thought he kissed back. I swear to fuckin´ God he kissed back… but then he said her name…” I flinch at the way he says *her*. The anger, the bitterness, and the complete fucking pain… “He said her name, and he must have been dreaming about her.” It´s been three days since I made my threesome proposal, and we haven´t been right since. After having done it I realize now just what that proposal must have meant to him. For me to so callously throw it out there, to fix Alyssa, and me… to fucking use him. Jesus, I can´t believe how blind I´ve been…. I can´t believe he hasn´t left me by now. I´m afraid after tonight, after my having not been able to just fucking open my eyes, that I may have lost him forever. And I still can´t fucking move. All I can do is sit here and fucking cry. “Come on,” She said, cupping his face in her hands. “We´ll sit, we´ll talk.” She leads him away, and I´m glad suddenly that she´s here. If I can´t do anything, and obviously I can´t, at least he´s got someone with enough of a heart to just fucking open their eyes and move towards him and touch him. Cause I´m a fucking coward. I´m a fucking cowardly fucking asshole. Twenty years of friendship and I can´t tell him the most vitally important thing in my life… I love you too, Banky. I do. I´m just too much a fucking cowardly asshole to say it. ~~~ ~ “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaac
[ p a t h e t i c . f o o l ] We walk through the door about 1:30am, drunk and giggling. She´s so hot, much hotter than most chicks I´m able to get. She´s giggling and looking at me like I´m adorable. I suppose it´s good that at least one girl finds my fucked up sense of humor endearing. Or does she pity me? Is that it? Is it that she pities me? “Sit,” I say, smiling at her and pointing to the couch. “Want a drink?” “Um,” she says, sitting down and brushing her blond hair back from her face. She´s got gorgeous blond hair… Claudia Schiffer blond hair. “Yeah, but not a beer, I´m already drunk.” I laugh, walking into the kitchen and grabbing two bottled cokes from the fridge. I´m sorry, but bottled cokes taste the best. Better than in a glass, better than in a mug, better than in the can. Bottled Cokes are just fucking best; it´s something you´ll just have to fucking accept. I twist off the caps, dropping them on the table, not caring when one bounces off onto the floor. I had her one and drop onto the couch next to her, laughing at how unintentionally hard I´d dropped there. “Mmm, in a bottle,” she said, nodding. I´m impressed. Anyone I´ve tried to get understand that coke´s just better in the bottle has looked at me like I was insane. I didn´t have to explain it to her though, she just got it. “Damn fucking right.” She´s smiling at me, and god damn is she beautiful. Those green eyes, yellow flecks dancing at me like little pieces of gold. “What do you do, Banky?” I frown, taking another drink of my coke. “What do you mean, what do I do… I guess missionary mostly…” She let out a giggle, and I just love that giggle. I love girly fucking giggles. They´re just so damn… well, cute. “I wasn´t talking about sex positions, Banky. I was talking about for a living… how do you pay for the bed on which to have missionary sex?” I laughed then, covering my mouth. God, what a fuckin´ dick I am. Just a fucking dick. “I… Holden and I write a comic… I… well, I ink, and help with the story line.” I held my breath, waiting for her to ask the dreaded question. I´m nearly chomping at the bit till I have to tell her that Jesus God no, I´m not a fucking tracer. “Cool, which one?” “Bluntman and Chronic,” I say, still suspicious. Still waiting for her to pop my fuckin´ bubble. I swear to God if she does I‘ll lose my hard on for her in two seconds flat. “Oh, man, my brother loves that one,” she says, smiling and resting her hand on my arm. “He just fell absolutely in love with it from issue one.” “We have an offer for an animated series on MTV, if Holden would just sign off on it,” I say, putting my coke on the table and turning back to face her, smiling. “That´d be nice… I could say I once fucked the writer of that cartoon,” she says, and now her smiles more than just pretty, it´s inviting. She knows what that smile says, she told it to say it. Her tongue flicks out to lick her lips and it registers with me that she´s just said ‘once fucked´, and holy Christ she´s just left it at a forgone conclusion that we will be fucking here tonight. I was hoping for that, but I wasn´t used to women saying it out and out. I shift over slightly, reaching out and brushing her hair over her shoulder, staring into her eyes. Don´t ask me why, but girls love it when you stare into their eyes when you kiss them. I suppose it´s cause then they know you know who you´re kissing. Sound ridiculous to me, but if it´s what they want, who am I to complain. I´m kissing her and she tastes just as sweet as she smells. Some kind of flower-melon mix. I distinctly smell honeydew. I definitely taste a bit of strawberry. Christ, does the girl work in an orchard? I don´t care, cause she smells good, and she tastes good, and her hand is already working on my crotch. My tongue´s inside her and she´s kissing me just as much as I´m kissing her and her hand´s already on my dick. Fuck yeah, lady, don´t waste time, go to it. My left hand leaves its place in her hair and slowly drifts down the side of her body, resting on her hip, pulling her closer to me. Suddenly she´s sitting above me, and I guess she just threw her leg over my lap and she´s straddling me, and fuck yeah, I like that. She´s above me, leaning forward kissing me, her hair cascading past her face, tickling mine. My hand drifts up her side again, brushing my thumb over her breast… and holy fuck, she´s not wearing a bra. My brain´s not completely operating on par now, cause my hands over her breast and I´m registering two things: she´s not wearing a bra, and these are real. They were so big I´d thought maybe they were fake, not that I´d mind. Big was big, and nice to look at, fake or not. I do prefer real to fake though, cause real ones feel nicer. Like beautiful pink round pillows for me to rest my head on after sex. “I want you to fuck me,” she whispers in my ear and Christ I might just come at that. But no, Banky, hold it in, hold it in just a minute. “Maybe we should move to your bedroom.” “We could do it here,” I mutter into her hair, licking at her ear. “I might be easy, Banky, but I don´t wanna put on a show for your roommate…” My head jerks back, looking at her. “Don´t think that,” I say, reaching up and brushing her hair back. “I wasn´t disrespecting you, I just forgot Holden was even here.” I smile up at her and shrug. “What can I say, you´ve short circuited my brain.” “Good,” she says, standing and reaching a perfectly manicured hand down to lift me up next to her. She wraps her arms around my waist, nuzzling my neck. “My diabolical plan to get you into bed is working.” Abso-fuckin-lutely gorgeous and a good sense of humor? That´s just fucking awesome. “You don´t have to have a diabolical plan, you just have to have a slight tickle of a thought, I can do the rest…” She´s laughing again and I´m taking her hand, leading her to my room. As I open the door she leans forward, kissing me. My hand slips from the doorknob and my hip knocks it, sending it crashing into the wall. She´s giggling, pressing a finger to her lips. “Shhh,” she giggles out. “Shit,” I say quietly, laughing and ushering her into the room. I reach back and get the door, shutting it softly behind me. “I´m sorry, I guess I just lost the door handle there…. I´m a little more drunk than I thought….” I would have stuttered out more of an apology but she´s on me again. She´s pushing her body close to mine, making little moaning sounds. She´s making these little breathy sounds in her throat and she´s gonna send me over the edge. We somehow make it over to my bed and stretch out on it. Her hands are running over my body and I´m half over her, pressing her into my mattress. “You might be a sloppy drunk, but you kiss good,” she breathed out, smiling at me. I laugh lightly, leaning forward and kissing her again. I feel her hands on my pants, unzipping them and that´s all it takes for me to start working on hers. We´re both frantically undoing our pants, pushing them down, off onto the floor. Next is our underwear, hers are silky white lacey numbers, mine just plain old flannel boxers. The instant my boxers are off she´s got her hand on my dick, and god does that feel good. I´m sure I let out a little bit of a groan and suddenly I´m aware that Holden´s in the room next to me, just on the other side of our ridiculously thin walls. I might have gotten a little uncomfortable but her hands tightening on my dick and my thoughts fly right out. My fingers work into her pussy and I move them around, gauging her reaction. It doesn´t seem to matter just what I do, cause she seems to like just about anything. She´s letting out these breathy moans and her hand on my dick is slowly stroking it, even as her eyes shut as I begin working my fingers in a regular pattern. “Faster,” she whispers frantically, and I think I´ll oblige. She´s moaning and she feels so good in my hands, writhing around. Nothing´s more sexy then knowing you´re getting a girl off. Sex is good, no matter what, but knowing you get a girl off? That´s just a fucking ego trip, and that´s fucking sexy. Suddenly she´s sitting up and I´m wondering if I´ve done something wrong. She´s smiling though, and pushing me onto my back, crawling on the bed till her head´s centered over my dick. Oh god, why couldn´t I have met her sooner?! Her mouth´s wrapped around me and her tongue is licking, and fuck yeah, she´s good. “Yeah, like that… feels good…” Her hands are on my thighs, running up them, then back down. My head´s swimming and I´m lost until I feel her fingers playing around my ass. “No no, not there…“ As simple as that her finger´s left my ass and is now kneeding my balls. “Yeah… fuck… mm hmm, fuck yeah…” She´s working on me now, going faster, and her tongue is like liquid fire on my dick. Damnit, she´s good. She´s going to make me come soon if she doesn´t slow down. “God… wait, wait…” She doesn´t stop though, she´s too into it. “Stop, stop… oh fuck…” Her tongue´s hit a particularly sensitive spot and I have to reach out and pull her head off of me. “Fuck fuck fuck, stop… not yet….” She smiles at me and I smile back at her. “Yeah… come here…” I say, pulling her head to mine, kissing her. I roll over until she´s underneath me and I reach into my side table to grab a condom, ripping it open. I start to put it on myself, but she takes it out of my hand. I close my eyes as she slips it on, down boy, down. Not yet. Wait till you´re inside her! “You´re so fucking hot…” I pant out, hovering over her now. “Gonna fuck you so hard….” She´s smiling up at me, this lazy little smile, saying ‘come on already then.´ She´s so fucking sexy! “Ready?” Now I´m inside her, and she feels so good. I´m easing in until I´m sure she´s ready, and then I start pumping in, half out of my mind with lust. We´re just getting a good pace when Holden´s head pops into my mind, and my body instantly shudders. Fuck, no, get out of here, Holden… but he´s in my head and now he´s beneath me and not her and I can´t fucking help it if that makes me hot. She reaches down and her finger´s near my ass again and this time I don´t stop her as she eases it in. “Oh fuck yeah… fuck… oh, Holden…” “You just called me Holden," she giggled out, and my eyes shoot open. “No I didn´t,” I say, knowing that I have. I stop moving, my hands on either side of her body. My face is frozen in what I hope is an unemotional mask but I´m afraid my fear is showing through. Fuck, what the fuck was I doing? “Yes you did… you said Holden. Is that your roommate?” No, no, this can´t be happening. Not now. Why is this happening now. “I didn´t fucking say Holden…” “Banky, yes you did.” I can hear her giggle again Shut the fuck up, please. Please stop it. “I´m not a fucking faggot…” “You said Holden,” she said, laughing again. I think I´m about to cry. I feel the lump in my throat and I can´t seem to swallow past it. There´s no point lying to her now, she´s already heard me. “I´m sorry Carrissa…” “My name´s Tina, Banky…” My eyes fall shut and my head hangs. I´m such a fucking dick. “Fuck…” “It´s okay, I don´t care… call me Tina, call me Carrissa, call me Holden….” She smiles at my startled expression, winding her hands into my hair. “I don´t care, whatever gets you there… just fuck me Banky… fuck me.” “I´m sorry,” I say again, and my voice is trembling I know it is. Her hand is on my ass again, but she´s just pulling back inside her. As soon as her pussy is around my dick my thoughts slow down and I feel my body began to move again inside her. I close my eyes and I shouldn´t have done that, cause there he is again. Below me, smiling, grunting, groaning as I pump into him. Damnit, this shouldn´t feel so right to me. This should be turning me off, not making me come so close to the edge. “Call me Holden, Banky… if it gets you off, call me Holden… Come on baby, call me Holden…” Now I can´t help myself, just hearing his name is making me come closer and closer to the edge. ”Hold.. fuck… fuck… Holden…” Now that I´ve said it, I can´t stop saying it. Its´ coming out in a whisper, just about everytime I pump into her. “Holden,” I whisper, feeling her hands start working on my ass again. That feels good. Why did I never know how fucking good that felt? I´m pumping inside her, seeing him, and I´m about to… “God… fuck, Holden… fuck… yeah… oh, I´m gonna come…” Suddenly her finger´s inside, deep inside, and Jesus Christ, it´s never felt like this. “Hold… oh fuck, Holden, yeah…” She´s working it around, and my head´s fucking swimming. I can´t think, I can´t breath, but I think I´m crying. “I´m… ohhh, god, I ‘m coming… Holden, fuck….” And finally I lay spent on top of her, breathing, wiping at my tears. I roll onto my back and she´s looking at me. I think I see concern on her face, but I can´t look at her. “Was I loud,” I ask softly. “What?” “Was I fucking loud? Do you think he heard me?” Now I know I´m crying. Silently, barely detectable, but I´m crying. There´s tears running down my face. “I don´t know, Banky… you were kind of loud…” she says, raising up and looking down at me, wiping at my tears. “Fuck…” “But not that loud…” “Fuck…” She leans forward, kissing my tears, wiping them away. She smiles down at me and whispers in my ear. “It´s okay, baby, don´t cry…” “Fuck, fuck, fuck…” “I don´t think he heard, Banky, it´s late.. he´s probably asleep….” She says but I´m standing up, pulling on a pair of jeans. “Where are you going?” I turn to look at her, and I´m thankful that she´s turned out to be so sweet. The last thing I´d need right now was some slut bitch yelling at me. “I have to see if he heard me, Tina… he can´t have heard me... I have to see…” She smiles at me, holding up a pair of crossed fingers. I can´t help but smile back at her. She´s sweet, and I´m glad it´s her I brought home the night I fucked my world two says from Sunday. I open the door to his room slowly, peering in. His eyes are closed. “Holden?” Nothing. I walk closer, half the distance to the bed. “Holden…” I repeat. Still nothing. I walk over to him, leaning forward, my face close to his, making sure his eyes are closed. I wave my hand in front of his face. “Thank Christ…” I start to turn to go, but now that I see him there, asleep, I realize he´s so beautiful. I can´t move, and now the tears are steadily falling down my face. “Holden, are you awake?” When he doesn´t say anything in response I sit on the edge of his bed, leaning over, my left hand on his right sight, my right over his left hand. Suddenly a litany of words is tumbling out of my mouth and I´m powerless to stop them. “I fucking love you, Holden… I don´t know when it started, or where it came from, but I fucking love you. I don´t want to, but I can´t stop it.” I blink, trying to see through the tears. “I can´t fucking stop, Holden, I´m sorry…” I can´t help but wish he´d wake up. Wish he´d wake up and tell me he loved me too. Or at least, wake up and tell me it was okay that I loved him. “I´m sorry. I want to, but I can´t. I´ve tried. I try to fuck women, pretty women, women I´ve always been attracted to... the blonds, with the big fuckin´ tits and the candy red lips, but…. all I see is you… you, with your fuckin´ Van Dyke beard and your weird fucking dance moves…” I feel myself become overwhelmed by emotion, my right hand lifting to cover my mouth as I close my eyes, trying to maintain a semblance of control. “And I can´t fucking get it out of my head. I´ve tried to talk myself out of it, I´ve tried to forget it, I´ve tried to work through it. I´ve tried to drink it away, but nothing works Holden. You´re always fucking there, and I want you gone. When I have sex, when I´m horny, when I´m masturbating in the bathroom at night… you´re always fucking there, and I can´t fucking get rid of you…” Why can´t he wake up? Why can´t he just open his eyes, fucking hug me. Just fucking hold me, Holden. I´m fucking bleeding here. “I wish I had the fucking balls to tell you this while you´re awake... but I can´t do that either. Cause I can´t fucking lose you… as much as it hurts to not have you, I can´t fucking lose you, not like this. Not cause I´m a fucking freak…” Wake up you bastard. Please. “I love you, Holden McNeil. I fucking love you. And I can´t tell you while you´re awake, so I´ll have to settle for this. I´ll have to settle for a drunken confession while you´re still fucking asleep and you´ll never hear me…” “I love you,” I whisper, bending down and kissing him on his forehead, unable to stop myself. I don´t know what´s come over me, but I have to kiss him. I just fucking have to.. I kiss him on his cheek and I feel my tears fall on his face. “I love you,” I say, even more quiet this time. Then my lips are on his. My left hand reaches to cup his face but I can´t bring myself to do it, instead resting it on his chest. I´m just about to pull back when suddenly I think he´s responding. I think his mouth is moving against mine and my tongue is in his mouth. God my head is reeling. My tongue is in his mouth and this is just about the most amazing kiss I´ve ever felt. My right hand is clasping his left through the sheet, and I´m moaning, deepening the kiss. A tear falls from my cheek, and then another, right onto his. I ache for him to reach up and grab my face. His tongue is inside my mouth and I´m flat out crying now. My heart is torn in two. I want him to pull me down beside him and make love to me. This is too much. It´s too good, it´s too perfect, it´s too fucking painful. I pull back, covering my mouth with my hand, looking at him. Suddenly I´ve realized something. He kissed me back. His mouth was definitely moving against mine… Jesus, is he awake? “Holden,” I choke out, and I´m flat out sobbing now. My voice is trembling and I can still see the wet tracks down his cheeks from my tears. “Holden, are you awake?” “Alyssa…” he mumbled, frowning. No. No, no, no. No, not her. No, Holden, don´t do this to me. My heart is fucking breaking and I´m sobbing out loud now. I can´t do anything but put my head in my hands, still sitting on his bed, and try to keep my sobbing quiet. I can´t speak, I can´t move, I´m fucking falling apart. Her. He said her name. He was thinking of her. That was her he was kissing in his mind, not me. Never me. It would never be me. I´m such a pathetic fucking fool. I stand to walk away but I feel as if I´m going to fall down. Just drop dead, right there in the middle of the man who broke my heart´s room. I grab onto his dresser, bending over slightly. I don´t look up with Tina walks into the doorway, still stark naked. “Banky,” she says softly. “Get out,” I choke out. I don´t mean to be mean to her, but fuck, I can´t help myself. “Come here,” she says, her voice sweetly soft. I open my eyes, looking at her, the tears streaming down my face. She´s looking at me so sympathetically, like a mother would. If I could make it over to her, I know she´d just wrap me up in a hug. But I can´t. I can´t move. She holds out a hand for me and suddenly my feet seem to be just moving of their own accord. I´m in her arms and I´m right, she´s wrapping them around me, holding me close. “God,” I sob, pulling her closer to me. Having someone hold me almost makes it worse. “Oh, baby, I´m sorry…” She whispers, kissing me on the forehead. “What happened?” “I… he´s asleep, and I told him everything… I confessed it all, cause I´m a fucking coward and can´t fucking do it while he´s awake… and then I kissed him… and I thought he kissed back. I swear to fuckin´ God he kissed back… but then he said *her* name…” I´m sobbing, I can barely catch my breath, but I can´t seem to shut up about it either. “He said her name, and he must have been dreaming about her.” “Come on,” She said, cupping my face in her hands. “We´ll sit, we´ll talk.” Some how we manage to make it to the couch, and she grabs a button up shirt of mine sitting on the floor, covering herself. I´m leaning forward, my head in my hands. She reaches forward, grabbing my shoulder, pulling me back. I resist initially but she´s persistent. Finally I allow her to pull me against her chest, her just stroking my hair. “We can talk or just sit here, whatever you want,” she says softly. “Why are you being so nice,” I ask softly, closing my eyes, feeling the tears run down my face. “I´m a fuckin´ dick.” “No you´re not,” she says, and I think she´s smiling. “You´re in love with your roommate.” “I am,” I say, laughing at the irony. “Three days ago he tells me I´m in love with him, and I don´t believe him. Turns out he knows my fucking feelings better than I do.” She says nothing and I´m thankful. I don´t want to talk about this. “He tried to get me into a threeway with his girlfriend,” I say, and why the fuck am I talking? “Told me I was in love with him, that I´d want that… but he did it to salvage his relationship with his girlfriend…. Cause he´s fuckin´ insecure…” Why am I fucking talking?! Shut up, Banky, just shut the fuck up. “And now I´m finding out I love him…” There the tears come again. I thought they´d slowed down, but oh look. Yay, they´re back. “I fucking love him, and he loves her.” I bring my hands up, digging them into my eyes. “Twenty fuckin´ years I´ve known him… how long have I felt this way?” “Does it matter,” she asks softly, still just running her hands through my fingers. Where the fuck did this woman come from? Since when did bar bitches care? Since when did some slut from a bar with candy red lips and Barbie tits ever stay to cuddle, make sure you were alright? What is this, some sort of divine intervention? Did God say ‘Banky´s got a fetish for Pamela Anderson types, and he´s gonna break his own heart tonight, so let´s send him an angel with angel´s body.´ Is that what this is? “No,” I whisper, covering my face with my hand, leaning my head back into her chest. “Not really.” I take a deep breath, wiping at my tears, knowing it´s useless. Many years of not crying yields a mountain of fucking built up tears. “I can´t live here,” I say suddenly, realizing only as I´m saying it that it´s true. “I can´t live here with him, knowing I love him, knowing that he´ll never feel the same.” I look at her, almost as if asking permission. I don´t know why, but I need her to agree with me. “I can´t fucking live here.” “It´s up to you,” she says, smiling at me. I´m convinced she´s an angel now. I knew I didn´t bag girls as beautiful as her. “Only you know if you can deal with it.” “I can´t,” I say, looking towards his door, feeling as if my heart´s breaking again. “I just fucking can´t.”
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