[ Canada's a Great Country (If You're a Moose) ]
by kHo

Barney barely held in the squeal of horror. “Robin. Robin, Robin, Robin, what is that?”

Robin frowned, looking at what Barney was pointing at. “A doily?”

Barney glared at her. “First of all, you drag me to Canada.”

The derisive tone is sharp enough to cut bones. “Hey,” she says, putting her hands on her hips. “Canada’s a great country!”

“Yeah,” Barney says laughingly, looking around the cabin. “If you’re a moose.”

Robin rolls her eyes. “Barney.”

“And second of all,” he continues, picking up the centerpiece in the middle of the table and dropping it on the floor. “You bring me to a cabin in the middle of the woods? Do you know how long it’s going to take for me to drive to town and have my suits dry-cleaned?”

“The plan wasn’t to have you drive to town to get your suit dry-cleaned,” she says, stepping forward and putting her hands on his hips. “The plan was kind of to have neither of us wearing anything.”

His mouth worked open a few times and then he stepped back. “But… hey I think I saw a deer,” he says, pointing out to the back yard. “Aw. Bambi.”

Robin’s hands drifted to her face. “Just the worst mistake ever. I mean, in the history of mistakes, this is just--”

“Wait, that really is a deer,” Barney says, opening the window and leaning out. “Hey. It’s actually kind of cute. Here Bambi… come see Uncle Barney…”

“Barney, are we ever going to fuck?”

Barney jerked back inside so fast his head hit the window jam hard enough to nearly cause him to black out. “Wh… what?”

“We’ve been dancing around this dating-not-dating thing for two weeks now and every time it seems like we might actually have sex, you’re out the door!”

Barney made his you-must-be-shitting-me face and waved a hand. “That’s ridiculous.”

“Are you scared,” Robin asked, leaning against the bar behind her and looking at him. “Because Lily thinks maybe you’re just scared because this is the first time it’s actually meant something to you.”

Barney snorted. “That’s just… that’s hilarious, Robin, you’re funny, did I ever tell you how funny you are, because you are, you’re hilarious, Robin Sparkles everyone, Canada’s greatest comedienne--”

“I mean, we’ve done it once, so I’m really not understanding. And I know I’m good, so it’s not that.”

“Ridiculous,” he says, playing with the doily he’d been horrified only moments before.

“Barney.”

He laughed. “Scared. Ridiculous.”

“Barney.”

“Just ridiculous.”

She glared at him and gritted her teeth. “Barney!”

“Yeah, okay? Is that what you want to hear?” He throws up his hands. “God, woman, bull-headed much?”

Robin shrugs. “I’m Canadian.”

He furrows his brow. “What does that even mean?”

“It means I can knock your teeth in, now come on, Barney, what gives?!”

He laughs and holds his hand up. “Threatening me with your insane hockey moves is not the way to get me into your bed, Scherbatsky.”

“Well what the hell is,” she yells, her arms spreading. “Because I’ve tried all of my moves and all I’ve gotten is a freakin’ peck on the cheek.”

“Not true,” he says, holding up a finger. “Not true, we’ve totally made out. There was tongue.”

She rolled her eyes. “For five seconds, and then you told me you had to leave because there was an important business meeting.”

“And there was!”

“At 2am?”

“China does not operate on your sex schedule, Ms. Self-Involved.”

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. “Then what gives?”

He sits down on her table, looking everywhere but at her. “I was waiting.”

“For what, a parade?”

“For the right moment,” he says, giving her a duh face.

She nods. “Like the moment I stripped naked and waited for you on the couch while you were fixing us wine? I remember that being an opportune moment.”

“That was,” he says, nodding. “But see, I had some bad Mexican earlier and--”

“Or the time I dragged you into the bathroom at McLaren’s and told you I was horny?”

“Dude, the bar? Really?” He shakes his head. “That’s so ’99.”

“Or how about the time I took you to freakin’ Canada and told you I wanted to spend the whole weekend naked and you bitched about doilies and pretended to see a deer? How about that time?”

“There really was a deer though,” he says, pointing outside. “With its white fluffy tail, it was there, right there!”

“Barney!”

“I know,” he yells back, covering his face with his hands. “I don’t know, okay, I just… I don’t.”

She softens and walks over to him, sitting down next to him, reaching up to pry his hand away from his face. “What the hell, Barney?”

He sighs. “I don’t know.”

“You spent a year debating whether or not you were gonna go for this and you did finally and I said what the hell, and now you won’t even touch me? Like, what is that?”

He smiled slightly. “Me being a pussy?”

“I’ll say, because I’m awesome in bed, and you know that, because need I say it again? We’ve already done it once!”

He scrubs at his face. “Look, it’s. It’s…”

“I know what it is,” Robin says, shaking her head. “You liked the chase and now that I gave in you don’t want it anymore, but we’re friends and, despite the façade, you actually care about hurting my feelings, so you’re biding your time until I dump you.”

“Wow.”

“I know, right,” she says, quirking a half-smile. “I get you better than you think.”

“No, I mean wow, you’re so wrong,” he says, looking at her and shaking his head. “Robin, I… I…” He clears his throat and his hands grasp the table hard enough for his knuckles to go white. “I lo… lo… I lo… lo… I--”

She covers his hand with hers. “Don’t give yourself an aneurysm.”

He looks at her. “I, ya know, you, and I didn’t change my mind, I don’t want you to break up with me.”

“Then what the hell?”

He exhales. “I just… ya know, of all of you do you know who understands me the best? And I don’t mean any offense, and Ted’s my best friend but he gives me more credit than I deserve, and I think you do understand me better than I think, but you know who understands me better than anyone?”

She shrugs. “Marshall?”

“Lily,” he says. He shakes his head, laughing. “Yeah, I don’t get that either.”

She nods. “So you’re scared.”

He cringes. “I don’t… I wouldn’t call it scared so much as…”

“You wouldn’t call it scared because you’re not, or you wouldn’t call it that?” He raises an eyebrow and she laughs. “Right. You wouldn’t call it that.”

He clears his throat and looks down at his feet. “The last time I was in love I got dumped for a schmuck in a suit and I was pretty much useless for a year and I…” He clears his threat again and looks up. “I don’t think I cared even half as much about her as I do you.”

She grins. “Aw, Barney…”

“Yeah, yeah, shut up,” he says, rolling his eyes and looking away. “So anyway. We should totally do it now.”

“You know that’s not gonna happen this time, right?”

He looks at her. “You don’t know that.”

She laughs. “Yes I do.”

“How?”

She points at him. “Cause who’s the schmuck in the suit now?”

He laughs, straightening his suit. “Yeah. I guess.”

“Besides, that guy,” she says, gesturing behind them. “He was lame. He was a dirty hippie, long-haired freak that sings on a keyboard.”

He laughs again. “Yeah.”

“And you’re awesome,” she says, grabbing his hand. “So suit down and give it to me, Stinson!”

He looks at her, shaking his head. “I am awesome, aren’t I?”

She nods. “The awesomest.”

“Nah,” Barney says, reaching up to tug on a piece of her hair. “You are.”

She laughs, bumping his shoulder. “Yeah, I am, you’re right.”

He leans over and kisses her. Leaning back he rests his forehead against hers. “Suit down and give it to you?”

“Yup,” she says, leaning back and snapping her fingers at him. “Strip for me, Swarley.”

“Okay, I’m leaving,” he says, standing abruptly and walking towards the door. He laughs when she grabs his arm and hauls him back. “Am I ever going to live down Swarley?”

“Nope,” she says, but that’s okay because she kisses him.

This time, he doesn’t back away.