[ petty, arrogant, bad with people, and, possibly, good in bed ]
by kHo

Vala gets the idea by doing what she does best: snooping.

“He threatened me with a lemon!’

“So?’

“You told him to!’

“Okay, I didn´t tell him to threaten you with a lemon.’

“I saw you give it to him!’

“It was a joke!’

“You were trying to thwart my plans!’

“You think I would get in the way of SG1 trying to prevent the Ori from conquering Earth?’

“No, Colonel, you were trying to embarrass me. By the way? Fantastic job!’

“Embarrass you.’

“Yes! By giving Mitchell that lemon you virtually ensured that he´d threaten me with it. In front of Sam!’

“Sam.’

“Yes, Sam! As in Carter! As in the most beautiful, brilliant, buxom member of any United States military establishment ever!’

“Ever?’

“Are you really just going to repeat everything I say?’

“I don´t know Rodney. You seem to be doing pretty good without any input from me.’

“I hate you sometimes.’

“You´re really into her, huh?’

“Into her? No, Colonel, I´m not into her, because, as I said, you thwarted my brilliant plans of seduction by giving Mitchell a god damned lemon!’

“Okay, that was just gross and crass, Rodney.’

“Shut up.’

“Look, how was I supposed to know he was going to do it in front of her?’

“I think you´re missing the point. He threatened to kill me!’

“With a lemon! All you have to do to defend yourself is not eat it!’

“Okay, it´s possible I overreacted.’

“I think you mean probable.’

“Oh shut up.’

“Okay.’

“It´s just…’

“What, Rodney? It´s just what?’

“It´s just that it´s been three years since I´ve had sex, and there was a chance for me to… or probably not. No, you´re right, I probably didn´t have a chance, but. I just. It´s been three years!’

“Oh, come on Rodney, I didn´t say you didn´t have a chance.’

“So you think I do?’

“Um.’

“See?!’

*

Sam blinked, opened her mouth, and then blinked again. “I´m sorry. What?’

Vala rolled her eyes, propping her hip against the counter and grinning at her. “I said I think you should have sex--’

“I heard you, I heard you.’ Sam blinked again. “With McKay?’

“Yes,’ she said, nodding.

Sam shook her head. “Why the hell would I--’

“He helped you,’ Vala said, stepping forward. “You said he did. You said, in fact, that he was instrumental.’

Sam´s face twisted. “So that means I should sleep with him?’

Vala looked around and then stepped forward, lowering her voice and then whispering in Sam´s ear. “He´s sick. And dying.’

Sam jerked her head away. “What?’

Vala´s eyebrows raised. “Yes. Gravelly ill. Fatally.’

Sam shook her head. “He´s not sick, and he´s definitely not dying. If he were he´d be talking about it, nonstop, milking the sympathy points for all they´re worth.’

Vala frowned. “Perhaps he isn´t because he has too much pride.’

Sam snorted coffee out of her nose.

“Okay, fine, I confess, I made that up,’ Vala said, sighing heavily and then sitting next to Sam. “I thought maybe you´d feel sorry for him.’

Sam rolled her eyes. “Why do you want me to sleep with McKay?’

“Because he helped us,’ Vala said, flipping her hand as if this were the most obvious and logical reason in the world.

Sam looked at her. “Again. So?’

Vala sighed again. “I overheard him talking to the really cute guy with the funny hair.’

“That would be Colonel Sheppard.’

“Yes,’ Vala said, trailing off and looking contemplative. “He´s really very handsome. Also, bares quite a striking resemblance to both Daniel and Mitchell. That happens quite often in the American Military does it not?’

Sam frowned. “Okay.’

“Right, yes, anyway,’ Vala said, waving her hand again. “You should sleep with Doctor McKay, because he hasn´t had sex in three years, and you owe him, because he helped us.’

Sam´s hands slammed down on the table. “He said that? He said I owe him?!’

“No, I did,’ Vala said, slinking back in her chair. “He just said that he hadn´t had sex in three years, and he seemed quite irritated at Colonel Sheppard for thwarting whatever attempt he wanted to make at seducing you by providing Colonel Mitchell with a lemon.’ She smiled and nodded at Sam. “I´m still not quite sure what that means, but, he has quite a crush on you.’

Sam shook her head, downing the rest of her coffee and standing up from the table. “Vala, we only have four hours before we depart, and I´m not going to waste it sitting here with you discussing why I should or should not have sex with Rodney McKay.’

“Yes, good idea, do it immediately, and then you still have time to explore,’ Vala said, standing up and gathering her trey. “Good plan.’

Sam glared at her. “Vala. I´m not sleeping with McKay.’

Vala frowned. “But you said you weren´t going to argue with me.’

Sam rolled her eyes. “Because I already know I´m not going to!’

Vala hurried to catch up with her as she made a quick attempt at a departure. “Why not?’

“Because!’

“Because why?’

Sam whirled on him. “Because he´s insufferable, conceited, petty, arrogant, condescending, bad with people, and… and… and I don´t want to!’

Vala frowned at her back. “Well what does that have to do with it? I bet he´s incredibly good in bed. Arrogant people usually are.’

Sam froze but didn´t turn around. “Well if you´re so keen on it, why don´t you sleep with him?’

Vala´s head cocked to the side. “Huh.’

*

“Yes, yes, I´m coming, keep your pants on.’ Rodney opened the door, looking irritable and adorably rumpled. Vala stopped herself from reaching out and ruffling his hair. “Uh… Ms. Mal Doran. What… what are you doing here?’

“May I come in,’ she asked, already pushing past him and looking around his room. “You can call me Vala, you know. Everyone does.’

“Vala,’ Rodney said, turning around to give her a bewildered look. “Hi.’

“Hi,’ she said, smiling brilliantly. “Mind closing the door?’

The door shut but Rodney didn´t move. “Um. I´m not going to give you any ancient devices. Elizabeth warned me about you.’

Vala put her hands on her hips. “I wasn´t stealing it, I was polishing it!’

Rodney´s eyebrows scrunched together. “With the lining in your pocket?’

“It just so happens that the lining of my pocket is made of a material very suited to polishing,’ she said, reaching down and running her hands down her legs. With delight she noticed Rodney´s eyes traveling behind them. “Do you mind that I´m brunette?’

Rodney´s eyes snapped back to her face. “What?’

“I know you have a preference for blondes, but… I am quite beautiful, and I´m definitely buxom,’ she said, reaching up and cupping her hands around her breasts, biting her lip and grinning at Rodney´s bugged out eyes.

Rodney spluttered for a moment. “What?!’

She reached up and started unbuttoning her shirt, looking around his room. “Your room is quite messy, Rodney. I must say, the more I think about it the better a lover I think you´ll be.’

There was a loud squeaking against the floor as Rodney landed heavily in the chair. “I must be loosing my mind.’

She looked at him and raised an eyebrow. “You´re arrogant, and I´d say angry as well, plus you´re likely sexually frustrated seeing as how you haven´t had sex in over three years--’

His mouth worked open. “I…’

“Yes, I over heard your conversation with Colonel Sheppard, in case you´re wondering how it is I know that,’ she said, taking off her shirt and reaching around to unsnap her bra, walking towards him. “And at first I tried to convince Samantha to sleep with you, but I don´t think I did a very good job because she seemed quite angry with me.’

He stared wide-eyed as she lowered herself on top of him and flung her bra away. He decidedly did not look down at her newly bared breasts. “Um.’

“And I´m sorry for that, I am, because you seem very taken with her, but I´ve found that Samantha isn´t easily persuaded, and I thought… well. I thought maybe we would both have fun, so why not?’ She ended by slinging an arm around his neck and grinning at him, like it wasn´t completely ludicrous that she was sitting bare-chested in his lap, her breasts mashed against the front of his shirt. “What´d´ya say, Rodney?’

“Is there a bruise on my head,’ he asked, his voice faint as he raised a hand to touch his forehead. “Did I fall down and give myself a concussion?’

She frowned, confused, and reached up to touch his forehead. “No. I don´t think so.’

He blinked. “Because you see… you seem to be sitting on me, um… half-naked, and… you see this only happens in my fantasies and never in real life. Did you confuse me with Colonel Sheppard?’

Her brow furrowed. “I don´t see how it would be possible for me to confuse the two of you. You look nothing alike.’

“Oh, I see,’ he said, looking triumphant for a moment and pointing at her. “He turned you down and you came to me as an afterthought!’

She sighed, slumping slightly as she ran her hand down his chest. “I don´t understand why you´re hesitating. I´d like to have sex with you. Do you not find me appealing?’

His eyebrows arched. “Are you kidding me?’

She shook her head and reached up to unpin her hair, shaking it out in waves around her face. “Can we get on with this? We leave in four hours. I´d like to spend at least two on you.’

“This is some sort of pity thing, isn´t it,’ he asked, his mouth turning down. “Sheppard told you that I was upset with him and you were somehow under the delusion that he meant you should sleep with me--’

“I don´t pity you,’ she said, eyebrows raising. “Why would I pity you? Look where you live!’

“Then why…’

“Because I think that you´re arrogant and condescending and full of yourself,’ she says, running her fingers down his chest and lowering her voice to a purr, “and I´ve found that men with these qualities make the best lovers.’

Rodney´s mouth opens and closes, and then opens and closes again. “Really?’